


Taste of Kindness

by Outcasts



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: All characters will have a happy ending I promise, I'll add more tags later to avoid spoilers lol, Jaemin is just a softie who needs to be loved, M/M, Renjun is the quite kid, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, a little chensung, bc they are rebellious teens lol, but also Renjun's best friend, cursing, donghyuck is a troublemaker, kinda cliche, main renmin, side markhyuck, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 14:17:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14310531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Outcasts/pseuds/Outcasts
Summary: "how is it so easy for you to be kind to people?" he asked"cause people have not been kind to me."- Rupi Kaur (milk and honey)or(Renjun has an appreciable taste for books and Jaemin plays soccer to get by in life.)





	1. Taste of Kindness

_how is it so easy for you_

_to be kind to people_ he asked

milk and honey dripped 

from my lips as i answered

_cause people have not_

_been kind to me_

(rupi kaur)

-

If you were to ask Renjun, he would agree on the popular opinion that he might just as well be the most unknown kid in school.

It wasn't that people just chose to ignore him, but it was the simple fact that no one saw him, _literally._

He would walk the halls with his books hugged to his chest, and people would bump into him without even muttering an apology, like he wasn't even there.

This used to upset him, but it soon grew into a comfortable pattern. No one saw him, so he had no expectations to uphold.

Anyways, he didn't need people to know him. Donghyuck was more than enough to keep Renjun happy.

"I can't believe that Mark guy!" Donghyuck mumbled angrily, stabbing his fork into his spaghetti, "who does that guy even think he is?"

"What did he do?" Renjun asked. This too, was a pattern. Everyday, Donghyuck would have a new thing about Mark to complain about, and everyday, Renjun would listen to his rant.

"Mr. Jung was gonna partner me up with Kim Jisoo, you know, the prettiest girl in class," Of course Renjun knew who she was, Donghyuck constantly talked about her. "But Mark asked Mr. Jung if he could partner with Jisoo instead, and he said yes!" He groaned in frustration, making the older boy laugh.

"Well, have you ever thought that maybe the reason Mark- _hyung_ ," Renjun emphasized the 'hyung' part, "does these things is to specifically annoy you?"

"Well, it's fucking working," Donghyuck said, his mouth full of spaghetti.

"Don't talk with your mouth full-"

"And speaking of the devil," the younger cut him off, food obnoxiously spitting out his mouth.

Renjun turned his head to where Donghyuck was directing his attention to. It was weird, really, how the whole cafeteria seemed to stop the moment the soccer team walked in.

The object of their conversation, Mark, was in front, the aura of leader radiating off him. _Fitting_ , as Mark was captain of the soccer team.

Renjun noted the other boys that followed him to their usual table in the back next to the cheerleaders (yes, very cliche.)

Lee Jeno with his loud laugh caught Renjun's eyes first. Jeno, a junior like himself and Donghyuck, was in his math class. Next to him was Park Jisung, a sophomore with promising skill.

A few other boys followed along. Han Jisung, Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin, Kim Seungmin, and Yang Jeongin. All of whom were just as popular as the next.

And it was strange, seeing Na Jaemin trail behind all the others. It was like he wasn't even apart of them.

Renjun knew Jaemin since he first moved to Korea from China in the 4th grade. Despite this, Renjun doubted Jaemin even knew his name (no one else seemed to.)

Jaemin hadn't changed much since then. His voice got deeper, and his height got taller, but besides that, Jaemin was still the same. Jaemin was quiter than the rest of his teammates, but if anything, he was more than popular. Girls seemed to like the cool and mysterious type of guy - Renjun observed.

"Look at him," Donghyuck grumbled, snapping Renjun back to reality, "he thinks he owns the whole school with that smug ass grin on his face."

"He kinda does own the school."

"Shut up, Renjun."

*

Renjun wanted to shrivel up in a ball and die, _literally._

His books laid in a huge mess on the floor below him, papers scattered all along the hallway. Thankfully, no one stepped on them. Unthankfully, the reason no one stepped on them was because everyone was busy watching the action unfold right in front of their eyes.

Just one more year. Renjun had just one more year till graduation, just one more year of flying under the radar. But things never seemed to work out in his favor.

"I'm sorry," Renjun sincerely said, quickly bending down to gather all his belongings. Renjun shouldn't even be the one saying sorry. He was the victim in the whole situation. All he wanted to do was get from his locker to class.

"Yah! Why don't you watch where you're going?!" At times, Renjun was thankful for Donghyuck being by his side and sticking up for him. Other times, he wished his best friend was just a little more passive than aggressive. This was one of those times.

Jaemin didn't say anything, he only looked down at Renjun's vulnerable form, making Renjun more embarrassed than he already was.

"Shut it, Donghyuck," Mark said from beside Jaemin, "your little friend here already apologized, okay, so just leave it at that." Mark's voice was calm, steady, just like always.

"Listen you fu-"

"D-donghyuck," Renjun stuttered, absolutely hating all the attention he was getting from the onlookers, "It was my fault."

To say Donghyuck was livid would be an understatement, "Renjun! Are you just gonna let him-"

"Please," Renjun begged quietly, getting up with his books hugged tightly to his form, "Let's just go."

The way Renjun quivered made Donghyuck's anger vanish, replaced instead with worry for his best friend.

"Fuck you," Donghyuck flipped Jeno off, who had said and done nothing in this whole ordeal, "Fuck you," Donghyuck turned to Jaemin, "And especially, fuck you, Mark."

Renjun almost smiled at how comical his friend was, but the stress of the situation still weighed down on him.

With one last F U to the trio of soccer players, Donghyuck and Renjun disappeared into the crowd of people around them.

Jaemin blinked, looking around him, seeing all the papers Renjun had failed to pick up in his panicked state. Jaemin watched as the crowd dispersed.

"You coming, Jaemin?" Jeno asked, patting the younger on the back.

"Oh, yeah," Jaemin agreed absent mindedly, "But I have to do something first. I'll meet you guys in class."

Mark and Jeno looked at him hesitantly before nodding, "Just hurry up. One more tardy and you'll get yourself another detention."

"I know, Mark." Jaemin waited till his friends disappeared.

He begun to pick up Renjun's papers that were dispersed on the ground. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the sucky writing but I was inspired by the book milk and honey by Rupi Kaur and I hoped you guys liked it. Chapters are gonna get longer as I progress. Also, this is my first time using Archive of Our Own, so I'm still trying to get used to the way things work lol. I also decided that at the beginning of each chapter I'll insert a poem from Rupi Kaur's milk and honey, because the book was practically my whole inspiration for this story.


	2. Thanks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin shouldn't feel something, but he does anyways.

the idea that we are

so capable of love

but still choose

to be toxic

(rupi kaur)

-

Renjun rummaged through his folder, trying to find his homework. 

He felt the panic bubbling inside him for the second time that day as his search turned up nothing.

It occurred to him that his homework was lost in the hallway somewhere after his encounter with Jaemin.

 _Great_. His day just kept getting worse and worse.

Renjun bit his lip, and he thought how pathetic of him to almost be crying over something so little.

A stack of papers suddenly plummeted on his desk, making Renjun snap his head up so quickly he just about pulled a muscle.

His eyes widen in shock, because right before him was his missing homework he had just spent 10 minutes trying to find, along with papers for other classes, too.

His shock grew when he saw Jaemin standing across from him, his expression unreadable.

"Did you..." _Did you pick them up for me?_ Renjun wanted to say, but the words didn't come out. "Why?" The question came out before he could even register what he was saying, immediately clasping his mouth shut.

Jaemin smiled. It was small, faint, and maybe Renjun imagined it, but he could of sworn-

"I'm sorry for bumping into you in the hall." Jaemin said, and Renjun thought it was a dream, because there was no way in reality that Jaemin would actually be talking to him, that Jaemin would actually be acknowledging his existence.

Renjun didn't say anything. He simply stared at the younger boy, noticing that this was probably the longest time he had looked at Jaemin, reality or not.

Jaemin looked around the empty classroom. "Are you always this early to class?" 

Renjun blinked, looking around as well, like he didn't already know that no one else was in the classroom just yet.

"I don't like being late," Renjun mumbled shyly. It was odd of Jaemin to be so early to class. He was usually the last one, if not late.

Jaemin nodded.

"Thank you, by the way," Renjun added.

"For what?" 

Renjun blushed. "For bringing me my papers."

"Why are you thanking me for that? It's my fault you lost them in the first place," Jaemin said, a little harsher than he intended to.

Renjun felt his heart pace picking up. He realized this was the most Jaemin and him had ever spoken in all their years of knowing each other. 

Today was a lot of new things for him.

"Because," Renjun let out a shaky breath, "you didn't have to bother giving these back to me, but you did. So thank you."

Renjun wished Jaemin would stop staring at him. He felt uncomfortable. Jaemin made him feel so exposed, and it was an unsettling feeling.

"Are you coming to the game tonight, Renjun?" Jaemin asked, completely changing the subject.

 _No_. Renjun never went to a soccer game. Well, except that one time in freshman year when Donghyuck practically dragged him to one.

_("Come on! It's our first high school game! We can't just miss it!" Donghyuck whined, flailing his arms around in the middle of Renjun's living room, almost knocking him out._

_"Yes we can," Renjun retorted, ignoring his best friend, focusing on the movie playing one the tv, "And I will."_

_Easy to say, Donghyuck ended up winning, and Renjun lost 3 hours of his life he could never get back._

_It wasn't that Renjun didn't like soccer, on the contrary even, soccer was Renjun's favorite sport, but what he didn't like was the people that were constantly shoving him around like he wasn't even there._

_Since then, Renjun has never and never wanted to go to another high school game again.)_

"No. I'm not gonna go," Renjun replied nervously. _Why won't he just stop looking at me?_

"Why not?"

He didn't have an answer. Well, at least not an answer that didn't make him sound like a loser.

Renjun thought he was saved from answering when two girls walked into the classroom, their giggles echoing. 

But Jaemin didn't move. He didn't even turn to see the girls. His gaze was fixated on Renjun.

"Oppa!" One of the girls shrieked. Renjun recognized her to be Kim Jisoo, Donghyuck's crush. "Oppa, what are you doing here so early?"

She enterlaced her arm with his, finally making Jaemin look away from him. Her friend went to take a seat in the back.

_Thank you, Jisoo._

Jaeminstayed silent, stealing a glance at the older boy.

"I was just returning some papers," he said.

"To who?" She questioned. It was moments like these when Renjun truly felt invisible.

Jaemin simply shook his head in response to her. "You should come to the game tonight. See me win.” Jaemin said. It was only then that the brunette noticed Renjun.

Jaemin walked to his seat in the back, Jisoo by his side.

Why did Jaemin want him at the game? It's not like he would see Renjun anyways. It's not like they were friends.

It wasn't till class ended and Renjun started on his journey home with Donghyuck that Renjun realized the importance of what Jaemin had said.

" _Renjun_ ," He said, the sound of his own name sounding foreign. 

"Uh, yeah," Donghyuck awkwardly commented, "I'm pretty sure that's your name. Unless you decied to change it to Darth Vardar or something, in which case, I would totally approve of that because then I could say I have a friend named 'Darth Vadar.' You know how jealous my drama buddies would be?"

Renjun shook his head, not bothering to respond.

_He said my name. Jaemin knew my name._

And for some unexplainable reason, that filled Renjun with immense joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well now we're getting somewhere.
> 
> I want to try and update every weekend, because that's usually when I'm the least busy. During the week I go to school and then work usually, so I'll do my best to update multiple times on the weekends:) also, this story is moving a little slow right now, but once Jaemin and Renjun get to actually know each other a little better things will move along faster. Hopefully this chapter didn't suck to bad and thanks for reading :p I really appreciate all the comments on my first chapter :):)


	3. Thought.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin thinks there might be a reason to enjoy the rain.

you have sadness 

living in places

sadness shouldn't live 

(rupi kaur)

-

Renjun didn't end up going to the game.

He knew that he wasn't going to go to the game anyways, but his thought lingered on it a little longer than usual. 

Thoughts like: _what if I had went? What would of happened?_

Yeah, ridiculous thoughts like that.

"But how exactly did he say it?" Donghyuck asked, slurping up his ramen noodles.

Renjun sighed. "I already told you."

"Yeah, but repeat it. Again. Word for word."

Currently, Renjun and Donghyuck were in Renjun's kitchen, both eating a bowl of instant noodles. Renjun had explained to his best friend the strange encounter he had with Jaemin earlier that day.

"I don't remember what he exactly said."

"What a bitch."

Renjun rolled his eyes, "He wasn't mean about it, Donghyuck. I just don't know why he said it."

Donghyuck grinned mischievously, "Don't worry, Injoonie!"

"I'm not that worried."

"I will get to the bottom of this!" Donghyuck yelled, a noodle hanging out of his mouth.

"You're gross."

The two boys went silent as they watched Chenle, Renjun's cousin who happened to live with him, enter the kitchen and go straight to the cabinet.

Renjun and Donghyuck looked at each other, attempting to make a run for it, but Chenle's ear-piercing whine stopped them in their tracks.

"Who ate my ramen?!"

Chenle turned around so fast, that if he hadn't taken dance as a kid, he would of toppled over.

"Renjun said it was okay!" Donghyuck raised his hands defensively.

"Trader."

*

It had been two weeks since that strange encounter with Jaemin.

Two weeks of nothing. Two weeks of returning back to normal, just how Renjun liked it.

Two weeks of pure bliss, before someone by the name of Donghyuck ruined it all.

"I solved the mystery!" Donghyuck slammed his tray down across from Renjun, causing the older boy to jump in surprise.

"Solved what? What are you even talking about, Donghyuck?"

Donghyuck sat down, pulling his chopsticks apart and mixing his rice with his soup.

"I asked Mark, and that stubborn bitch finally gave me an answer."

"I'm gonna need more information." Renjun said.

"He said that Jaemin probably just did that because he felt bad."

Renjun physically felt his jaw hit the ground, "Y-you asked him?!" He yelled-whispered.

"Well, I more had to force him to tell me, but that's not important."

_("I'm telling you, kid! I don't know why Jaemin wanted to talk to your friend!" Mark angrily yelled, "Now give me back my soccer ball, you little asshole!")_

"Donghyuck! It's been weeks since that happened and you're just telling me this now?!"

"I forgot about it, okay. But yesterday I was passing the soccer field and I saw Mark practicing, and I suddenly remembered, and it just seemed like the perfect time to ask."

*

Another week of nothing. 

Renjun saw Jaemin in class, but since the younger boy sat behind him, Renjun never let his stare linger too long. 

It was easy for him to forget that Jaemin was even there.

And he thought that was it. 

It's not like Jaemin and him were ever friends, so why should it matter? 

But on the first day of spring, when Renjun had stayed after school finishing up some homework in the school library, and ultimately forgetting to bring an umbrella to battle the harsh rain, did he encounter Jaemin again.

Renjun stared out the door, contemplating on what to do. 

He had no options, _really_.

His parents were away in China for a few weeks, and it's not like Chenle could drive. And Donghyuck, well, even if he did have his license, Renjun wouldn't trust him to take him anywhere.

So here he was, book in hand, sitting criss-crossed on the school floor, waiting for the rain to stop.

Every so often, the rain outside would let up, and sun rays would peak out from behind the clouds, only to once again go into hiding.

Renjun read his book intently. It was his thing.

It was always crazy to Renjun how simple words on paper could make him travel to another dimension. 

Books had the amazing power of disconnecting him from reality, but making it feel like so much more. Like there were things so much better than his reality.

"Forget to bring an umbrella?"

Renjun dropped his book, startled, and, in relation, lost the page he was on.

"Jaemin?" Renjun had to crane his neck to look at the boy standing in front of him. 

"I didn't mean to scare you. I thought you would've heard me walking."

Renjun was almost positive that his cheeks were red in embarrassment, "Oh."

"Do you mind if I sit here?" Jaemin asked, already plopping his school bag on the floor. 

"Yes," Renjun spluttered, gripping the spine of his book so tight that his knuckles turned white.

"Yes, as in yes you do mind?" 

"I mean no," Renjun gulped, "I-I mean... you can sit here, if you want."

Renjun looked down at his lap, not noticing the smile Jaemin wore.

"Okay. Good," Jaemin sat down next to the older boy, and Renjun immediately noted how close they were to each other, "What book are you reading?" Jaemin asked suddenly.

"Um," Renjun looked at the cover, Jaemin's proximity making him a little irrational, "Far From the Tree."

Jaemin hummed in response, looking through the glass door across from him, watching the rain create puddles, "Must be a good book, considering how you didn't even hear me walking."

"Uh, yeah, it's a very good book."

The silence was indefinite. It was uncomfortable, and Renjun just wanted to escape from it. He couldn't focus on his book with Jaemin next to him, staring at him.

_Why did Jaemin always stare?_

"Socccer practice finished early," Jaemin sighed, stricking up a conversation. It was strange, because Renjun never took Jaemin as the type to talk much, much less talk to him, "All my teammates left, so I've just been walking around the school, waiting for it to stop raining." Renjun nodded, "What about you, Renjun?"

Renjun decided in that moment, that he absolutely hated it when Jaemin said his name, despite the spark of joy it filled him with. 

Conflicting feelings, really.

"I stayed late in the library, finishing up some homework," He responded, "I've just been waiting for the rain to let up too, I guess," Renjun looked up, focusing on the sound of the rain, "I like the rain," Renjun said after much hesitation.

Jaemin nodded, "Usually, I hate the rain, because it causes too much problems," Renjun could see Jaemin turn to face him from the corner of his eye, "but, right now, I can think of at least one reason to love it."

Renjun's eyebrows knitted together is confusion, "What's the reason?"

Jaemin laughed gently, and Renjun thought it was so innocent, so different then the usual facade Jaemin so often put up, "It doesn't matter."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Don't apologize. Okay?" Renjun looked at Jaemin with wide eyes. The younger boy just smiled back.

"Okay." 

They sat like that for a while. An hour and nine minutes, precisely, (Renjun kept track.) 

Their wasn't much conversation being exchanged. In fact, sometime during the hour, Renjun had borrowed Jaemin his book, and Jaemin focused completely on the novel. Ocassionally he would mutter things to Renjun, things like how he already didn't like a character, or if he thought something was stupid.

Renjun would laugh, agreeing, and even giving his opinion. 

There was a sudden, overcoming feeling of tiredness fall over him. Renjun felt so comfortable in that very moment, right next to Jaemin.

When the rain had stopped, the boys collectively gathered their belongings, and separated to walk the way to their homes.

_("I'll see you tomorrow, right?" Jaemin had asked, the sun now shining brightly, creating a beautiful rainbow throughout the sky._

_"Um, yeah," Renjun replied, the optimism in Jaemin's voice making him nervous, his heart bouncing in his chest._

_"Good," Jaemin grinned, "Have a goodnight, Renjun."_

'You too, Jaemin,' _Renjun should have said, but instead, with his heart on his mind, he turned around and started his way back home.)_

* 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it :D And Thank you for all the comments, I really appreciate them :pI wrote half of this at home, but I had a sudden thing I had to deal with, so the end might of seemed a little rushed. I dont think I'll be able to post next week because of the thing I have going on, because it's keeping me pretty busy, but when I get back home I promise I'll be back at it :)


	4. Doodles.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renjun doodles, and Jaemin's nosy.

i struggle so deeply

to understand 

how someone can

pour their entire soul

blood and energy 

into someone

without wanting

anything in

return

(rupi kaur)

-

Renjun carelessly doodled in his notebook.

This was a habit Renjun picked up in middle school. A habit he was trying to get rid of, because having cute little doodles of Moonmin in your science notebook was embarrassing.

He started out of boredom. 

Anyways, there's not much to do when your the first one to class everyday.

The screeching of the chair beside him made Renjun drop his pen in surprise.

"Good afternoon," Jaemin greeted, smiling softly. Renjun was certain his heart stopped. Jaemin always seemed to have that effect.

"Oh," Renjun muttered, "Good afternoon to you, too."

Jaemin looked down, squinting his eyes, "What's that?" Jaemin nodded at the drawing on Renjun's desk.

Renjun looked back down, and with flushed cheeks, immediately slammed his notebook closed.

"That's, uh, that's, uh.... my, my notebook," Renjun wanted to cry. The one person who should've never seen his drawings, just saw his drawings.

"You draw?" Jaemin asked after a few minutes of painful silence.

"Um, not really," Renjun rubbed his hands together under his desk, looking down, "I just like it, I guess," He mumbled.

"Can I see it?" Jaemin questioned, pointing at the notebook.

Renjun panicked, "It's embarrassing."

Jaemin frowned, "Don't worry, you don't have to be embarrassed with me." The sincerity in his voice made Renjun look over at him. "I don't judge, promise."

"O-okay," Renjun hesitantly handed Jaemin his notebook, his heart racing.

Jaemin took the notebook, their fingers brushing together in the moment, and Jaemin flipped through the various pages.

Pages that were filled with notes, and in the margins, filled with random doodles, mostly of Moonmin, Renjun's favorite.

"Wow," Jaemin grinned, "These are really good, Renjun."

Renjun smiled, the tension easing up, "I-Thank you."

"Who is this guy, though?" Jaemin had flipped to a page where Renjun had drew one giant Moonmin, no actually notes on the page.

"That's Moonmin," Renjun's smile immediately grew. Jaemin could've sworn he saw his eyes twinkle, "Moonmin is someone who I love very much."

"Cute," Jaemin said. Renjun looked back up at him, shocked to see Jaemin looking back at him and not the drawing.

"He is, right?" Renjun replied quickly, "Moonmin is very cute, that's part of his charm."

Jaemin laughed quietly, shaking his head.

"What are you doing after school tomorrow, Renjun?"

The older boy didn't even have to think about it, "Nothing, really."

"Great," Jaemin grinned, "Then you can go to the soccer game tomorrow."

The authority in Jaemin's voice surely made Renjun stop breathing, and all he could think of was

 _shit_.

_Shit shit shit._

"The soccer game?" Renjun thought out loud, his voice weak. 

"Yeah. Since you didn’t come to my last one, you should come to this one. I promise I won’t disappoint.”

"I-" Renjun paused. He didn't really have an excuse now, "okay."

Jaemin's eyes lit up, and Renjun thought just how pure the sight was. 

"Make sure to cheer me on, injun," Jaemin stood up from his seat beside Renjun. It was only then that Renjun noticed the students filing into the classroom, "I’ll see you there.”

Renjun watched as Jaemin silently made his way to his seat in the back, and the idea of going to a school event, an event filled with hundreds of student, suddenly made him dizzy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally back home and I'm glad to post again. This is a short chapter but I promise the next one will be longer and way more interesting :p (ps: I'm thinking of doing the next chapter focusing on Jaemin and his thoughts instead of Renjun :) thoughts?)


	5. Soccer.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't quite know what triggered this change. How one moment made him look at Renjun so differently.

my favorite thing about you is your smell

you smell like

earth

herbs

gardens

a little more

human than the rest of us

(rupi kaur)

-

Jaemin had woken up with a headache, which wasn't unusual considering how late he slept every night and how early he woke up every morning.

Today was Friday, and Fridays were one of the worst days for Jaemin.

Suprising, really, because people, especially teenagers in high school, are supposed to love Fridays, because it signals the end of school for two whole days.

And it wasn't like Jaemin liked school, because he didn't, which was evident due to the amount of times he skipped class, but he liked being any place that wasn't his house.

But today, even though it was Friday and he had a raging headache, Jaemin was happy. Actually, genuinely _happy_.

The soccer game was tonight, which in itself isn't that special, but Renjun was going to come, and that made it special.

There was just something about Renjun that made Jaemin feel whole, and Jaemin so desperately needed that.

It wasn't love at first sight.  _no_ , not even close, because those things definitely do not exist, but it was definitely  _something_.

It was something Jaemin couldn't not think about. How Jaemin bumped into Renjun accidentally that day (honestly, Jaemin was too distracted in his own thoughts that when Renjun closed his locker shut, Jaemin bumped into him, and because Renjun was carrying a ton of books, they all happened to drop.) How Renjun immediately bent down to pick up his books. How sorry Renjun seemed to be even though it wasn't his fault. How kind he was. How innocent and sad his eyes were when Renjun briefly looked up at Jaemin....

Yeah, it left Jaemin speechless.

Jaemin reached down to grab the bottle of Advil he had right beside his bed, and then for his water bottle next to it. Jaemin left the two items there for his everyday convince.

He took two pills, and then got up to get dressed and shower. He picked up his school uniform off his floor after his shower. The uniform wasn't dirty, but Jaemin was too tired after soccer practice yesterday that he didn't bother hanging it up.

Jaemin already had his soccer bag prepared, so he swooped it up on his way out the door.

Fortunately, the school was only 1 mile away from his house, so the walk was always short.

Getting to school, the first thing Jaemin did was head to the locker room to drop off his soccer bag and get his school folder out.

Jeno and Mark, his two closet friends, were the first people Jaemin saw as he entered the school building. The pair were already seated down in History, a class all three of them shared.

"You're early," Mark smiled, looking up from his paper, probably last minute homework, to greet Jaemin. Jaemin took his seat beside Jeno and in front of Mark.

"You're really early," Jeno's eyes widened, eyes flashing to the clock, then back to Jaemin, "Five minutes early, precisely. Wow. That's a record. You're actually on time for class today."

Jaemin shrugged, "What can I say? History is my new favorite subject."

Jeno rolled his eyes, and Mark just ignored him, focusing on his homework instead.

"Hey, Jaemin," Mark whispered, which was really unnecessary, because the teacher had yet to arrive, and all the other students were too busy in their own conversations, "Do you mind letting me borrow the homework from last night? I kinda sorta forgot to do it."

Jaemin scoffed, but nonetheless, he opened his one folder and looked through his mess of assignments until he found what he was looking for, and handed it to Mark.

"Ah, thanks Nana, I really appreciate it," Mark grinned brightly, resembling a child who was given candy.

As soccer players, they had to keep up good grades in order to play, so homework was something Jaemin actually attempted. That, and the fact of his inability to sleep at night leaves him with nothing better to do, so it's like killing two birds with one stone.

"How was your night?" Jeno asked, turning around so he was facing the front of the room instead of Mark.

"You know," Jaemin replied, because Jeno did know, and that was why the older frowned.

"Excited for the soccer game tonight?" Jeno habitually asked the same questions, and Jaemin answered the same in response. 

"Yeah, I'm actually kind of nervous too," Jaemin just knew both Jeno and Mark would would be shocked. 

The two older boys were surprised to say the least, because Jaemin would habitually answer Jeno's question with a 'not really," but his response was different today, for the first time.

"You..." Mark said, "You are nervous? For real?"

Jaemin nodded.

"Why?" Jeno questioned.

"Can't I not just be excited and nervous for a game?"

"Not without a good reason, so tell us the reason."

"Hyung, no one was talking to you," Jaemin said, but both of his friends knew he wasn't actually mad, only annoyed.

"Its just strange," Mark responded, "I mean, I like it! But it's strange."

Jaemin didn't answer. His best friends didn't need to know why. They didn't need to know about Renjun, not yet anyways.

His friends were too corrupt for such a pure boy. _Hell_ , he was too corrupt for such a pure boy.

Eventually, the teacher came to start class, briefcase in hand, and Mark handed Jaemin his homework back.

"Nice to see you made it on time today, Mr. Na," the teacher commented, setting his briefcase on his desk and getting out necessary papers.

The whole class looked at him, and Jaemin simply rolled his eyes. "No need to hate, Mr. Moon."

Mr. Moon smirked, "Okay class! Today we are going to continue our talk on..."

Jaemin zoned out. He always did during class. And when class had ended, and then lunch came (Jaemin often ate lunch on the roof, but because of the game today, he decided to eat lunch in the cafeteria with his friends.)

"Oppa," Mina said, a childhood 'friend' - if you could even call them that - of Jaemin. They met in kindergarten, and in second grade, Mina gave Jaemin a cheek kiss under the swing set, which was the talk of the class for one whole day, "Why aren't you eating?"

Jaemin looked down at his food, and from the corner of his eye, he could see Mark look over at him.

"I'm not really hungry today," Jaemin sighed. He wasn't hungry at all, in fact. _Maybe it was just nerves._

"Weirdo," Jeno remarked. Mark elbowed him in the gut, lightly of course, because Mark didn't hurt the people he cared for.

"Open up, oppa," Mina cooed, attempting to feed Jaemin some rice with her chopsticks. 

Jaemin hated when she did this. Mina never understood, but she always wanted to be the one for him. The one who makes him happy. The one who makes him healthy. The _one_ for Jaemin.

But she wasn't the one, and she never would be. Jaemin has had years to figure that out.

Jaemin let her feed him. Jeno wiggled his eyebrows at him.

"Look at those two lovebirds," Jeno said. Jisung, who was quietly sitting beside Jeno, looked away from the scene nervously. Jisung had a certain shyness around girls, which explained why he wasn't talking much. Typically, the boy was chaotic, but they always let it slide, because Jisung was their dongsaeng, and he was still trying to figure things out about himself. 

Mina blushed at Jeno's words.

"Stop~" She nervously said.

Jeno winked back at her, an action Jaemin found weird. 

Lunch had ended uneventfully, and soon, last period, aka Jaemin's new favorite class, came.

The material itself was boring. English was never fun to him. Not to mention, Jaemin was absolutely horrible at the language, but that's mostly because he never took the time to study or pay attention in class.

The material was pointless to him, but Renjun was someone he looked forward to. 

They shared last period together, something Jaemin never really noticed until that day he _officially_ met Renjun.

Renjun was quiet. The older boy sat there rows in front of Jaemin, contributing to Jaemin's unwillingness to pay attention to class, and instead, opting to stare at Renjun's small physic.

Jaemin knew Renjun from elementary school. He remembered when Renjun first moved, and how shy he was (that hadn't changed much.) He remembered how much Renjun struggled with Korean (that had changed much,) and Jaemin didn't quite understand him at that age (Jaemin still didn't quite understand Renjun now. Renjun made him feel weird things.)

The two never talked. They never looked at each other. Jaemin simply didn't care for Renjun. They ran in two completely different circles.

But all that had changed. They still run in different circles, but Jaemin's feelings are different now.

He didn't quite know what triggered this change. How one moment made him look at Renjun so differently. 

Yeah, it was weird, and Jaemin so desperately wanted to understand what exactly he was feeling.

"Hey," Jaemin greeted, taking a seat next to Renjun, who had been reading a book.

Jaemin had made it a habit to come super early to class, because Renjun always came super early to class, and Jaemin cherished those moments of alone time they got before the rush of students came in.

"Hi," Renjun replied, looking up from his book to give Jaemin a small smile, a smile that Jaemin was absolutely fond of.

"You're coming to the game tonight, right?"

Renjun nodded, "I told you I would, didn't I?" Renjun grinned playfully.

It made Jaemin happy seeing Renjun like this. Seeing Renjun come out of his shell, even if it was just for a second.

"I'm just making sure," Jaemin said, "I plan on impressing you with my amazing skills at kicking a ball.”

Renjun smiled. “I’ve heard your very good at kicking a ball around.” He complimented timidly.

It might have been strange when Jaemin invited Renjun to the game the first day they officially met. Renjun must have thought it was strange. But it just slipped out. Nobody ever comes for Jaemin, and seeing Renjun all alone in class that day, Jaemin thought Renjun understood what it was like to have no one.

They continued to talk, Jaemin questioning Renjun on what new book he was reading this time, and Renjun explaining the plot of said book with such excitement that Jaemin couldn't take his eyes off the boy.

The class eventually started to fill up, and Renjun's seat mate eventually came along as well.

"Excuse me," Jaemin looked up at the boy who had gently poked him, "that-that's my seat your sitting in," The boy seemed scared to talk to Jaemin, but Jaemin knew the intimidating appearance he held. 

Jaemin glared at the stranger.

"I'll see you tonight, Injonie," Jaemin smiled back at Renjun, who stared at him anxiously.

"O-okay," Renjun said. 

With one last glare at Renjun's seat mate, Jaemin stood up, shoulders bumping with the boy as he made his way to his own seat in the back.

Yeah, sometimes Jaemin was a dick.

But only sometimes.

 *

Renjun looked around at all the people. 

They all stood up from the bleachers, cheering and clapping and yelling, because their team won. Jaemin had won.

Beside him, Donghyuck and Chenle, who had begged to come along, were hollering with passion.

_("Ge, please take me with you," Chenle whined, grabbing onto Renjun's arm, "I never get to go anywhere, and I don't have any friends because I'm homeschooled, so please, take me with you. I need to get some fresh air! I need to have human interaction! You leaving me would just be cruel!"_

_"No!" Renjun rejected, trying to pull his arm away from Chenle's grasp, but hell, this kid was a strong one, "I don't even want to go, let alone bring my annoying cousin with me!"_

_"This wouldn't be a problem if you actually had more friends and brung them over so I could hang out with! But no, all you have is Donghyuck-hyung, and he's no fun!"_

_"Hey!" Donghyuck had yelled from his spot in the living room, "Be lucky that I’m one of the only people who can stand your presence!”_

_Renjun laughed, still getting nagged._

_"Ge! Please!”_

_"If I let you go will you stop your complaining?"_

_"Yes I would!"_

_"Okay, then fine!" Chenle immediately released hold of Renjun's arm, smiling brightly._

_"Thanks ge! I'll go get ready!")_

So now here they were. The night had gone exactly how Renjun expected it to go.

Getting there, Renjun was shoved by people from all sides. He had come close to losing Chenle, and he actually did lose Donghyuck, because his best friend was too busy arguing with Mark before the game had started.

Their team had won, just like Renjun expected, because their school's soccer team was undefeated.

Chenle was way too excited, jumping up and down. He was commenting throughout the whole game, and Renjun could have really done without that distraction.

After the game ended, the trio headed for the exit. Masses of people were all heading the same way, and Renjun felt like a pinball.

"Hey, Chenle," Renjun had looked back, only, Chenle wasn't behind him, and neither was Donghyuck. The guy behind Renjun gave him a weird look, and Renjun quickly muttered a panicked apology before escaping from all the people and hiding under the bleachers, the only place vacant of others.

"Stupid Donghyuck," _You said you wouldn't leave me for a second, but this is the second time you left_ , "And stupid Chenle," _Because here I am worrying about you because you are my baby cousin who doesn't know anyone or where anything is and if you're lost then I might not be able to find you._

Renjun pulled out his phone. It was getting dark out, the sun setting, and Donghyuck wouldn't answer his phone no matter how many times Renjun called him.

"When I find you Donghyuck," Renjun said into the phone, leaving his friend a pleasant voicemail for when Hyuck does decide to pick up his phone, "You're dead." Renjun practically growled, "And Chenle better be with you, because if not, I'll bring you back to life just to kill you again."

Renjun hung up, not even knowing where to start looking.

"What are you doing under here?" Renjun jumped, startled, and turned around, recognizing that voice anywhere by now.

"J-Jaemin!" Renjun yelled.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Jaemin laughed, his hair matted down, and now in normal clothing rather than his soccer uniform. 

"It's okay," Renjun responded after his initial shock, "I just didn't expect you, that's all."

Jaemin nodded, "I was just walking around, and then I heard you."

"Oh."

Silence ensued, and Renjun watched as Jaemin walked closer to him, "Um, congratulations on winning today. You guys were, uh, amazing. Really."

"Thanks," Jaemin smiled, "I'm really glad you came."

"It was my pleasure," Renjun responded, even though most of his night had been full of taking care of Chenle, finding Donghyuck, and being shoved by hundreds of people. So, in reality, the night had been horrible for him.

"Seriously, thank you for coming and..." Jaemin paused, and Renjun thought he had finished, "and thank you for coming for me."

Renjun blinked, his eyebrows rasing, cheeks red, "Of course," Renjun whispered nervously, "You were great out there, the whole crowd was cheering your name, you know."

"Were you?"

Renjun melted under Jaemin's intense gaze. He felt weak, "Y-yeah, I was." 

"Then that's all that matters."

Renjun decided he hated it when Jaemin looked at him like that. The look that always made Renjun feel different.

"Nobody I cared about has ever come to a game just for me before, so I'm really, _really_ thankful you came."

Renjun felt his heart constrict, "It was my pleasure, but why are you saying that?" Renjun mumbled, "I'm sure your parents come to your games just for you, right?" _Because they're your parents, and it would be kinda rude if they came for someone else._

"No, they don't," Jaemin said, looking down at his feet as he kicked some grass for no reason, like he was embarrassed.

"Oh," _Oh_. Renjun felt guilty, he felt so guilty, "I'm sorry."

Jaemin scoffed, looking back up, "You don't need to apologize to me, Injonnie," There he goes with that cute nickname again.

"It's just, I was kind of rude..." Renjun felt like an asshole for assuming something that he shouldn't have.

"No, you weren't," Jaemin shook his head, stepping even closer, the prospect of personal space going out the window, "But, you made me really happy today. Happier than winning the game."

Renjun smiled, avoiding looking at Jaemin directly. 

He never quite realized how much taller Jaemin was compared to him.

"I-I guess I should try finding my friends," Renjun said, the tension feeling... intimate, "I got separated from them a while ago, and my friend isn't exactly answering his phone."

"Your friend?" Jaemin's eyebrows knotted together, and Renjun guessed he must've caught the younger by surprise for his sudden change of subject, "The one who's always fighting with Mark-hyung? He's loud, orangish-brown hair?"

"Yeah, that's him," Renjun replied.

"I saw him over there," Jaemin pointed behind him to the parking lot that was now mostly empty, with the exception of a couple of cars, "He was fighting with Mark-hyung just now."

Renjun's jaw dropped a little, because he just couldn't believe- actual, he could believe - that Donghyuck would be to busy fighting with Mark to answer his phone.

"Is it alright if I take you over there?" Jaemin asked, reminding Renjun of where he was, and who he was with. He closed his mouth.

"Yes," Renjun said, "I would appreciate that."

Jaemin waited till Renjun was by his side before he started walking.

The parking lot was huge, and it just so happened that a whole group of people were in a circle at the very end of it.

Renjun could immediately make out Donghyuck by his loud voice that could be heard a mile away. He was arguing with Mark, obviously.

He saw Chenle next to him, talking with... Jisung(?). 

He also saw who he recognized as Jeno and Mina, standing close together. A bit too close, if you were to ask Renjun, but that wasn't important.

"Ge!" Chenle smiled upon seeing his cousin, waving like some type of maniac. 

Jaemin frowned, "Who's that?" He asked quietly. They were still far enough away from the others that Jaemin didn't have to whisper.

"That's my cousin, Chenle. He lives with me."

"Oh, he's your cousin?"

"Yeah. Who‘d you think he was?" Renjun laughed.

"No one, I was just wondering."

"Oppa!" The girl, Mina, ran up to Jaemin, standing on her tippy-toes and wrapping her arms around his neck, giving him a tight hug. 

The pair of boys stopped walking, and the whole group looked over at the trio, Donghyuck and Mark included.

"You were the best out there today, oppa," She whispered into his shoulder, and the moment seemed personal, so Renjun awkwardly separated himself, walking the short remaining distance to the people he came to the game with.

"Wow, thanks for leaving me, sure felt great," Renjun sarcastically said. Donghyuck and Chenle simply stared at him.

"What do you mean?" His best friend said, "You were the one who left us."

 _Gosh_ , Donghyuck is an idiot, "Why would I leave you guys to be all alone at a place that I didn't even want to originally be at?"

"Well, didn't you want to get some alone time with Jaemin? Isn't he the reason you came?" Donghyuck whispered, smirking. Renjun regretted telling him that Jaemin had invited him to the game.

"Okay, maybe he was the reason I came, but no, I absolutely did not want to end up alone with him," Renjun harshly whispered back. He hated the way Jaemin made him feel anyways.

"Really, hyung?" Chenle cheekily said, speaking in Korean, something he only did when he wanted Donghyuck to understand his commentary, "You seemed pretty comfortable with him right now, after all."

"Shut up!" Renjun replied with red cheeks, "Anyways, I called you like eight-thousand times, Hyuck!"

"You did?" Donghyuck got out his phone, scrolling through the missed calls on his home screen, "It wasn't eight-thousand calls, it was thirteen calls and one voicemail," His friend protested after counting.

"Yeah, and I can't wait till you hear the voicemail," Renjun bitterly responded.

"Hey, are you two lovebirds done already?" Jeno yelled, and Renjun looked back over to the pair. Mina let go of Jaemin after Jeno's words, and when Jaemin looked over at him, Renjun froze.

"Mind your own business!" Mina yelled back, returning to her side beside Jeno, tugging Jaemin along next to her.

"So what do you say boys?" Mina questioned, focusing her attention on Mark, Jeno, Jisung, and of course, Jaemin, "How about pizza tonight? My treat for your win today!"

"Free food? I'm down!" Jeno happily cheered, clapping his hands. _He looked like a child_ , Renjun thought.

"Me too, but only if my girl can come," Mark said, grinning, looking over at Donghyuck to catch his reaction.

"You little bitch," Donghyuck muttered, "If she liked you so much, why isn't she here?"

"Jisoo isn't really a sports fan," Mark shrugged, knowing that by doing that he was annoying Donghyuck even more.

_Jisoo? As in Kim Jisoo? As in the girl Donghyuck has a crush on? No wonder he was so mad._

"Fine, lets see you call her then," Donghyuck crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly.

"Dont worry, I will," Mark said, making Donghyuck seethe with even more anger. 

"Oppa, do you want to go to your favorite pizza place?" Renjun heard Mina whisper to Jaemin. 

He looked over at the couple unconsciously.

Jaemin looked back at him, catching Renjun by surprise.

"Do you guys want to come?" Jaemin asked, making everyone look over for the second time that day.

Jaemin was staring directly at Renjun, and he never thought Jaemin's eyes could look so pleading. How was he suppose to reject him?

"Yeah, actually, we would!" Renjun realized how nosy Donghyuck was (he already knew,) and how much he hated and loved it at the same time.

"What?" Mark said.

"What?" Jeno said.

"What? Mina said.

"Cool," Jisung said.

"Uh," Renjun said.

"Have I ever eaten pizza?" Chenle said, wondering out loud.

"Make sure to bring your girlfriend Mark, you know, if she isn't bored with you already." Donghyuck happily grinned.

Mark rolled his eyes.

"Oppa, why?" Mina asked Jaemin.

"I second that, why?" Jeno asked.

"Well, they're here, and we're here, so why not?"

Mina huffed, "Fine, but I'm not paying for them."

"Didn't expect you to."

 _Shit_ , Renjun was totally missing curfew. Not that curfew mattered anyways, since Renjun's parents were out of the city, but _still_.

Renjun never missed curfew before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long(er) chapter(?) I'm totally here for! Next chapter will be the whole gang at the pizza place + more. So drama? Hope you guys liked this chapter lol. And I hope this story isn't moving too slow for you guys, but it's starting to progress a lot. I just don't want to move too fast either. I kinda want to keep it realistic (is it?) Foreshadowing was all over this chapter, and I'm here for it :)
> 
> Btw how was the insight on Jaemin's life? There is definitely more to tell with him, but that will also progress too. The first part of the chapter focuses on him but then the second is back to Renjun :p 
> 
> (Ps: I haven't clarified, but this story is taking place in Seoul :p)


	6. Pizza.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin didn't smile at that, "I just don't like seeing you uncomfortable," Renjun's heart quickened. It was officially the Jaemin effect, "Next time, it'll just be the two of us, I promise."
> 
> Next time.

you are the faint line

between faith and 

blindly waiting

(rupi kaur)

-

The ride to the pizza place was long and stressful, to say the least.

They had to take the subway, because apparently Jaemin's favorite pizza parlor just had to be that far away.

The subway was mostly empty at the time, because most people were probably at their homes, getting ready for bed, just like Renjun should be doing...

They sat towards the back. Renjun sandwiched between Donghyuck and Chenle.

The whole ride, Renjun was getting an earful from Donghyuck. 

His best friend was complaining about how Mark was 'definitely not going to be able to get Jisoo to come, because she's not a pizza person.'

Sure enough, Donghyuck was proven wrong.

Jisoo ended up meeting them there, securing a spot at the end of the table with Mark.

Renjun didn't know how he ended up sitting straight across from Jaemin at the restaurant. 

Actually, he did know how.

The table had four seats on each side. Chenle and his new friend, Jisung, took the seats right next to each other. Renjun took the seat beside Chenle, and Donghyuck at the end.

On the other side sat Jeno across from Jisung, then Mina, and next to her, Jaemin (which landed Renjun in his current predicament,) and Jisoo right across Donghyuck (to his very joy.) Mark had to pull up an extra seat at the end so he could sit next to his girlfriend (to Donghyuck's very dismay.)

They ordered two large pizzas, one with pepperoni and the other with sausage.

It was late, and Renjun was tired, and Jaemin was staring at him, just like he always did.

Mark and Jisoo were huddled closely together, laughing about something. Mark would occasionally peek over at a very angry Donghyuck, and Renjun thought for a split second that maybe the whole couple act was just for show.

"Mark, we're trying to eat," Donghyuck commented as the couple shared a breif peck of a kiss.

"The food's not even here yet."

"Okay? Im still trying to keep whatever's left in my stomach down," Mark rolled his eyes. Donghyuck had to bite his tongue from saying anything too harsh in front of Jisoo. After all, she is his crush, and he doesn't want to make a fool of himself.

"Oppa," Jisoo laughed, directing his attention to the younger boy, "You don't have to be jealous," Donghyuck, and Renjun, who had overheard their conversation, both stared at her in shock.

_Did Jisoo know that Donghyuck likes her?_

Actually, that wouldn't be that hard to believe. Hyuck doesn't exactly do the best job of covering that up.

"One day, you'll have a girlfriend to love too," Jisoo finished. The best friends let out a collective sigh of relief. 

But that didn't last for long, because Donghyuck realized she used the word ' _love_ ,' and neither he nor Mark were prepared for that to be said tonight.

Mark didn't respond, opting to stare back at her with wide eyes.

Thankfully, before the atmosphere became even more awkward, the pizza came, and everyone was just too hungry to keep up their conversations.

"Wow!" Chenle smiled, laughing happily, taking another bite of his pizza that was now more the halfway gone, "This is the best pizza I've ever had!"

"Have you ever even had pizza before?" Renjun quietly mumbled under his breath, smirking at the pure happiness his cousin was feeling.

"I don't know, but if I ever did, I know that that pizza has nothing on this one!" Chenle said, stuffing the rest of the pizza in his mouth. _Hopefully he doesn't choke_.

Jaemin laughed, which caught Renjun off guard for a second. 

Absent mindly, he looked away from his food and up at Jaemin. 

And Jaemin, well, he looked happy. 

'Your cousin is funny,' Jaemin mouthed at him, or at least, Renjun thinks that's what he intended to say. It was kind of hard to tell when Mina was desperately trying to get Jaemin to take a bite of her sausage pizza.

It was an awful sight to watch, and after much deliberation between the two, Jaemin finally let her feed him. 

"You two are disgusting," Jeno said. 

Jeno, as Renjun observed, always had something to say about Jaemin and Mina.

There was a thought, an idea tingling at the back of Renjun's mind as to why Jeno acted such a way, but he pushed it away quickly, because that couldn't be true.

It's heartbreaking to even think about. 

Anyways, it's not like Renjun knew any of them enough to come to such a conclusion.

"Chenle," Renjun tapped his cousin on the shoulder. Chenle, who had to stop his interesting conversation with Jisung, turned around and gave the older a confusing look, "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Ge, I really don't need to know what you are planning to do in the restroom," Chenle responded, and Renjun slapped his arm at his dirty thoughts.

"Stupid." Renjun sighed, getting up as quietly as possible. 

He noticed how Jaemin looked at him, but he paid no mind to it. He just wanted to get out of there as fast as he could.

He barricaded himself in a bathroom stall. 

Renjun didn't want to go back out. He didn't like being the only one there who didn't really have anyone to talk to.

Sure, Donghyuck was there, but he was to busy pinning for Jisoo's attention. And Chenle, well, he just made a new friend (probably his first friend since he came to South Korea,) so he was rightfully excited.

Renjun was left out. 

Sutting, actually, because he didn't even want to come in the first place.

Sighing, Renjun figured he had taken long enough just lounging around inside the bathroom.

He didn't want to make anyone sucpicious. Especially not Donghyuck, because knowing his best friend, Renjun knew he would probably say something stupid like, 'Is Renjun taking a fat shit or what?' _Yeah_... Renjun didn't need that kind of embarrassment.

Unlocking the stall door, Renjun went to the sink, a mirror plastered above it. Renjun made sure to wash his hands even though he didn't go. 

Renjun let his hands air dry, taking his time staring at his reflection. 

He didn't think there was anything wrong with his appearance. 

Renjun didn't think he was handsome, but he didn't think he quite fit into the 'ugly' category either.

And Renjun didn't think there was anything wrong with his personality, besides the fact that he was overly nice, but if anything, that bettered his chances of making friends.

Yet here he was. By himself in the men's bathroom.

"You okay?" A voice that Renjun now easily recognized as Jaemin's snapped him out of his own thoughts, his head turning to look at the boy who just walked in, "Checking yourself out much?" Jaemin laughed.

Renjun quickly shook his head, "No," He stated, "Just thinking."

Jaemin nodded, "Well, Mark, Mina and Donghyuck went to pay the bill," Jaemin stepped closer to Renjun, and this bathroom was already too small, "Actually, I'm not really sure why Mark went, since Mina said she would take care of the bill tonight, but I guess that doesn't really matter anyways."

"Oh," Renjun looked back down at his hands. They were dry now. "Is Chenle still at the table?"

Jaemin furred his eyebrows together, and then, like he had forgotten who Chenle was for a second, widened his eyes slightly, "Oh! Yeah, he's back there with Jisung and Jeno. Your cousin is really getting along with Jisung."

Renjun smiled. Maybe he had been depriving Chenle of a lot of things just cause he was antisocial. _Wow, I guess I've been selfish..._

"I'm sorry," Jaemin suddenly apologized. Renjun looked back up at him, and almost as if mirroring the earlier scenario under the bleachers, Jaemin was way too close for personal space to even be considered, "You didn't seem to be enjoying yourself out there."

Renjun rolled his eyes playfully, trying to lighten the mood, because seeing Jaemin like this was just way to much for him, "That's not your fault," He let out a small, forced laugh, "I'm just not used to hanging out with a lot of people," _especially not people like you_ , "The only people I hang out with are Donghyuck and Chenle, and Chenle is practically forced to hang out with me because we live together."

Jaemin didn't smile at that, "I just don't like seeing you uncomfortable," Renjun's heart quickened. It was officially the Jaemin effect, "Next time, it'll just be the two of us, I promise."

_Next time._

Renjun didn't know what to say to that. He simply stared back at Jaemin, desperately just wanting _something_ to happen. 

Something, he wasn't quite sure of.

"Um," Renjun muttered after a second of pure silence, "W-we should get back. Who knows what they're thinking we're up to right now."

Jaemin grinned, laughing, "Wow, I didn't know you had such a dirty mind, Injonnie."

Renjun blushed profoundly, "I-I didn't mean it like, like, well like that."

Jaemin smiled, "I know. I was just kidding."

"Not funny," Renjun pouted.

Jaemin stared at the older, "Okay, since you refuse to enjoy my company alone, let's go back."

"Jaemin-"

"It's a joke," Jaemin cut him off, "You might not enjoy my company as much as I enjoy yours, but I at least hope you can bare me."

Renjun nodded, "I do enjoy your company."

Jaemin, who had begun to open the door to exit the bathroom, paused. Almost like a movie scene. 

Jaemin looked at Renjun in suprise. It was different. His expression wasn't like anything Renjun had ever seen from him.

"W-well," Renjun hesitated, "Should we get back to our friends?"

Jaemin took another long moment to just stare before answering.

"Uh, yeah. Lets go."

 *

Something was off about Donghyuck, Renjun noticed, when the three boys arrived at Renjun's home.

"Hyung, what's got you on edge?" Chenle asked, taking a pint of vanilla ice cream out of the freezer and grabbing a spoon before sitting down at the table with the other two.

"How are you not full, Lele?" Renjun complained, watching as his cousin ate the dessert happily.

Chenle shrugged in response.

"Okay, so, something might have happened at the restaurant," Donghyuck said, after being silent the whole subway ride home.

"Oh, please enlighten us," Renjun said, sharing a look with his cousin. They both knew how dramatic Donghyuck could be. 

"This is serious!" 

"Okay! That's why I said to enlighten us."

Hyuck crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair, annoyed, "Alright, so while you were busy in the bathroom with your little boyfriend,"

"Jaemin is not my-"

"Mark, Mina and I went to pay the bill," Donghyuck cut Renjun off. They waited for him to continue, "Honestly, I don't even know why Mark came, he didn't pay shit," Hyuck added, "But anyways, after I paid, Mina paid, and I went back to the table," another dramatic pause, "Well, I was intending to go back to the table, but Mark followed me!" He leaned back up against the table, "He followed me and pulled me into the arcade room-"

"There was an arcade room?"

 "Chenle, this is my story kid."

"Sorry."

"Anyways, he pulled me in!"

"Yes, Hyuck, you've already mentioned that like, three times," Renjun counted.

"Just let me finish my story!" Donghyuck sighed. He was met with silence, "Anyways! When he pulled me in I was like ' _What the fuck, Mark!_ ' And he didn't say anything back so I just thought he was having another one of his stupid moments, you know, how Mark always does. But then he kissed me."

Renjun, who had been staring at the wall with disinterest, and Chenle, who had been too interested in his ice cream, both froze. They collectively faced Donghyuck with confused expressions.

"Mark-hyung, kissed you?" Renjun didn't know why, but the simple mention of a kiss made his face heat up.

"Yeah, he just, slammed his lips into mine, literally. That shit hurt. I thought he knocked out my front tooth for a solid minute."

"Wait, he just kissed you? He didn't say why, or anything?" Chenle questioned, setting his dessert down on the table.

"No! That little bitch didn't!"

Renjun still couldn't grasp the fact that Mark, who for as long as Renjun knew, had been practically enemies with donghyuck, would kiss his best friend.

"What did he say after you guys, you know... stopped kissing."

"Well, I proceeded to yell ' _What the fuck is wrong with you?!_ ' And then he just responded with a stupid ass smirk saying, ' _You just looked extra cute today,_ ' like what the actually fuck?! What the fuck is that suppose to mean?!"

"Maybe he thought you looked cute?"

Donghyuck glared at Renjun, "Jun, bless you're heart, but you don't just go around kissing people and calling them cute when you have a girlfriend and when you have hated the other said being since you were born."

"Well, it doesn't really seem like he hates you now, does he?" Chenle laughed, which quickly died down at the looks he got back in return, "or not," He muttered at the end.

"So what are you going to do?" Renjun asked, curious, because how do you move on from something like this? Renjun didn't know, but then again, he's never kissed anyone before.

"I don't know," Donghyuck sighed, his mood doing a completed 360, "I've never been kissed by a guy before. Especially a guy who I hate. I don't even know what to think. Like, is Mark gay? I mean, he's dating Jisoo, and he's had plenty of other girlfriends, so he can't be, right?"

Renjun was clueless. Sexuality had always been a complicated subject for him. He knew Donghyuck was bisexual, and Renjun knew he was gay, but Mark seemed like the straightest boy you would ever come across. 

But maybe that was just Renjun being subjective and judgey.

Donghyuck, who had already asked to spend the night at Renjun's, spent the rest of the night interrogating Renjun on what had happened with Jaemin, and doing some more complaining about Mark and his weird 'phases,' as he liked to call it.

"You guys came out together, and you looked a bit flustered," Donghyuck said, recalling hours before at the restaurant when Renjun and Jaemin had come back to the table. 

The two didn't have time to say goodbye, because the moment Renjun came back, Donghyck was out of his seat, ready to leave.

Now that Renjun had time to think about it, the reason Donghyuck was such in a hurry to leave was most likely because of Mark. 

Afterall, when Renjun and Jaemin had come back from the bathroom, Hyuck was sitting on the complete opposite side of Jisoo and Mark.

"He just came in to check up on me, that's all," Renjun assured.

"Wow. I didn't think Jaemin actually had a heart," Donghyuck replied. 

Chenle, who had no clue what they were talking about because he didn't know much about Jaemin, piped in his two cents, "What's so wrong with him?"

"He's just," Hyuck pondered for a minute, "He just never seems happy, or that he cares much for anything. That's why it's so weird seeing him take such good care of Renjun."

"That's a bit of an exaggeration," Renjun commented, "He just asked if I was okay, that's all."

"Still, from what I've overheard, Jaemin doesn't have much he cares about. So for him to actually notice that you were gone so long and for him to leave Mina to check up on you, well, personally, I think that's a big deal."

Chenle agreed.

Renjun chose not to say anything more about that subject, "It's getting late, guys," Renjun slowly got up, looking over at the clock and realizing they had spent three hours just talking, "I'm going to bed."

Whenever Donghyuck spent the night, Renjun slept in the living room with him, because Renjun's bed wasn't big enough for two people, and he wasn't going to leave his best friend alone, even though this was basically his second home now.

Renjun got blankets out of the closet, setting up a mini bed on the couches for both Hyuck and him.

"Goodnight!" Renjun shouted once he was done, snuggling underneath the covers.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," Donghyuck shouted back, just like he always did.

"Love you, ge!" Chenle yelled back, just like he always did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm getting worse and worse at writing as the chapters go on :( but I hoped you guys liked it and enjoyed something actually happening lol :) Also I know the kiss might have seemed out of place or too fast but it is all part of Mark's character, you'll see.


	7. 1 Filler (kinda?) Markhyuck edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Mark and Donghyuck were enemies since the beginning. But the years pass by, and feelings change with it.

he says

_i am sorry i am not an easy person to want_

i looked at him in suprise 

_who said i wanted easy_

_i don't crave easy_

_i crave goddamn difficult_

(rupi kaur)

-

Mark was approximately two years old when his family packed up and moved from Canada to South Korea.

He was four years old when his mom and him moved back to Canada, leaving his dad behind.

It was because of reasons his parents preferred not to talk about, although as Mark grew older, he understood why.

Eventually, the mother and son moved back to South Korea when Mark was eight.

His mom got a new home, a neighborhood away from Mark's father.

Mark knew that his mother wanted to stay in Canada, but his father practically made that impossible, because he wanted full custody of his son.

In order to prevent that from happening, and issuing an onslaught of court battles and some serious deflation in money for lawyers that Mark's mom did not have, she settled on moving back and having shared custody.

It's kind of ironic, because now that Mark is a senior, he barely even talks to his dad...

When the mother and son moved back, they got a small one story house that just so happened to be right besides a little boy's named Donghyuck.

Mark, since the moment he met Donghyuck, had always found him annoying.

Donghyuck was one year younger then him, and by default, always a grade behind.

The first time they actually met was when Donghyuck's mother had invited his mother to a party, so they could get to know their neighbors better.

Easy to say, their meeting didn't go well.

It started with seven-year-old Donghyuck throwing a toy car at an eight-year-old Mark's head, resulting in a bruise that lasted for weeks.

That's where the trouble began, and their rivalry had continued all throughout middle school, with endless name calling and insults being exchanged between the two.

Mark finally thought things were going to change when he entered high school.

Not only did he get a break from seeing Donghyuck ever single hour of every single day, but Mark had moved as well.

His mother bought a new and improved house. A bigger and better one, and one far away from Donghyuck.

Mark felt himself changing. Slowly, he was becoming more mature. He saw how the seniors acted, how the majority of them were calm and collected, preparing to go out and conquer the real world.

So Mark felt like he had to do the same, even though he was just a freshman.

He joined the soccer team, despite being lanky and having the experience of a toddler in the sport.

For his freshman year, he was merely the water boy, always sitting on the bench and analyzing the games, watching and studying how the players moved.

Mark was so determined on becoming a better version of himself that he even bought a soccer goal post and ball to practice in his backyard. 

Sophmore year had rolled around, and after putting in all his dedication over the summer to learning the sport, his coach declared him a 'natural.'

Mark was happy. He finally was able to play in a game, for his mom to be able to actually post something embarrassing on Facebook about how proud she was of her son. _And maybe his dad, too._

Sophmore year didn't only bring change about in the soccer team, but the new year also brought new faces. Freshman, to be exact. Donghyuck, to be precise.

The moment Mark heard that loud mouth, he felt like there hadn't been enough time away from Donghyuck.

"Hey!" Donghyuck greeted. _Great_. Now, just to Mark's luck, their lockers were directly beside each other, "Missed me?"

Mark slammed his locker shut. He looked at Donghyuck, and he was taken by suprise.

He had changed, a lot.

Yeah, Donghyuck was still rude and loud, Mark pinpointed, but his appearance had changed so much.

His hair was shorter, styled into a nice cut that Mark would call the 'typical freshman cut.' 

He also lost his baby fat. His skin was practically glowing, and he just looked so... _different_.

It took three months for Mark to realize his feelings had changed about the younger.

There was this strange urge to just kiss Donghyuck, an urge Mark just rubbed off as hormones, because he wasn't gay.

Mark was never interested in boys before, so why would it start now? Especially with Donghyuck of all people.

Mark blamed it on curiosity.

Accordingly, he came up with a solution to his problem.

Mark was invited to the end of the year soccer party the end of his sophmore year, in order to celebrate a good season, despite having not won in the very end.

The seniors treated Mark as their little brother, and they made him promise that one day, he'll be captain of the team, because he was a 'great leader,' according to them.

Mark drank for the first time at that party, which may have explained the sudden courage he held.

Yukhei, another sophmore who had a few interactions with Mark prior to the party, was Mark's first guy-kiss.

It happened in the heat of the moment. One second the two were talking, drink in hand, and the next Mark remembered Donghyuck, and his eyes, and his laugh, and his lips...

Mark kissed Yukhei. 

It wasn't deep. It wasn't compassionate. It was simply two boys with their lips pressed against each other.

Mark felt nothing. 

"Uh, dude," Yukhei began, pulling away awkwardly from the kiss, his voice a little hard to hear due to the blaring music, "I'm not gay."

"I'm not either," Mark defended, his actions and mouth saying two different things, "I was just, curios, that's all."

"No hard feelings bro," Yukhei laughed, "So, how was it? You figure out your curiosity yet?"

Mark thought for a second, taking another sip of his alcoholic liquid. _No_. He didn't figure anything out. If anything, kissing Yukhei only made things worse, because now Mark had to accept the fact that the only person he wanted to kiss was Donghyuck, and it wasn't just curiosity anymore.

"Yeah, I figured things out, thanks," Mark thanked the taller male, bidding goodbye to the seniors before he went home for the night.

Mark blamed the alcohol, and the seniors made fun of him for being such a light-weight, but they let him leave without too much opposition.

With sophmore year coming to a close, and junior year peeking right around the corner, Mark managed to find a way to both fall hopelessly in love with Donghyuck and act like he disliked the younger all at the same time.

That was a summary of his junior year, and then in a blink of an eye, Mark was a senior, and captain of the soccer team.

Donghyuck was a junior, and though Mark struggled to admit it, his _want_ to kiss Donghyuck grew even more. The want made him desperate, and the desperation made Mark do stupid things, like ask Donghyuck's crush (read: Kim Jisoo,) out on a date even though he had no interest in her.

All he wanted was Donghyuck's attention, and the only way he seemed to get it was by making the younger mad, so that's exactly what Mark did.

The desperation mixed with the need made Mark do even crazier things.

*

They were at the pizza parlor. 

Mark was there with Jisoo, his girlfriend for crying out loud.

But this might have been his only chance to get Donghyuck alone.

"What the fuck, Mark?!" Donghyuck yelled, ripping his arm out of Mark's tight grasp rather violently, "Why the fuck are we in the stupid arcade room?"

Mark said nothing. He looked at Donghyuck, contemplating if it was really worth it. Ruining whatever type of love-hate (love of Mark's part, hate on Donghyuck's,) relationship they had.

But one look at Donghyuck's lips, and all logic was thrown out the window.

This was the moment Mark had been waiting for since he was a sophmore. 

He's a senior year now, and graduating in a few months. Mark knew things were going to change fast. This might be the only chance he would ever get.

_Now or never._

Mark slammed his lips against Donghyuck's, one hand on his cheek to hold him in place and another one around his waist, to bring him closer, no space in between.

In his desperate need, Mark might have slammed his mouth against the younger's a bit to hard, but he didn't mind.

Because he was kissing Donghyuck.

And everything just felt strangely perfect in that moment.

Mark took advantage of Donghyuck's shock, using the little time he had to explore the younger's mouth.

Mark couldn't stop thinking about how good it felt. He never wanted it to end.

A minute later, and Donghyuck shoved Mark away, his expression slightly offended.

"What. The. Fuck." Donghyuck muttered, heavily breathing, his lips sore and most likely, bruised.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!?" Donghyuck's voice was small, so different in comparison to how loud he usually was.

Mark smiled, liking that he had that effect on him.

Mark smirked, shrugging, "I just thought you looked extra cute today."

_That was a lie, because Mark thought Donghyuck looked cute everyday._

Donghyuck wanted to say something witty back, but he couldn't think of anything. 

With one frustrated sigh, he stomped out of the arcade room, leaving Mark with his own feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a little backstory about Markhyuck's relationship. This is kinda a filler chapter because it was meant to give insight on the background characters, since Renjun and Jaemin are the main focus of this story. These chapters aren't really fillers though (which is why I added the 'kinda' part) because they actually provide information you might need for understanding the fic lol :p I'll probably make more of these for other characters down the road, just so things make sense more and stuff :) thanks for reading <3


	8. Rain.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well, I don't really know, actually." Jaemin admitted sheepishly, giving Renjun an innocent smile. "I just wanted to be with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I accidentally uploaded this chapter yesterday night but I didn't mean to because I was still writing it lol. I didn't know how to put it back in a draft so I had to delete it. But I saw one person left a comment and I just want to say thanks and I'm sorry that I had to delete the chapter! I hope this one makes up for that :p

love will come

and when love comes

love will hold you

love will call your name

and you will melt 

sometimes though

love will hurt you but

love will never mean to

love will play no games

cause love knows life 

has been hard enough already

(rupi kaur)

-

The weekend had come and gone, and Monday had once again rolled around, signaling the start of the school week.

  
Renjun took a seat in his math class, reading a book while he waited for the classroom to fill up.

  
Slowly, voices started to occupy the room. 

  
"Jeno!" Someone had yelled. Renjun automatically lifted his gaze to the entrance of the classroom, seeing just as Jeno had walked in. "Congrats on the win Friday, man!" 

  
Jeno smiled his famous eye smile. "Thanks bro," he replied, said 'bro' walking over to Jeno and giving him a typical 'bro' shake.

  
Unlike Jaemin, who Renjun had his last period of the day, Jeno was in his first.

  
Jeno sat right in front of Renjun, something that never really seemed like a problem till now.

  
The two had never spoken a single word to each other prior to Friday night (and in all honesty, the two didn't even look at each other that night, so the fact that they never have spoken to each other still holds true.)

  
Renjun knew who he was, because of course, who wouldn't know Jeno? But Renjun was certain the boy had no idea who he was.

  
Jeno, just like Jaemin, seemed to be the center of attention in class. As soon as he walked in, people started creating a perimeter around him, like he was the star of the show.

  
Renjun continued on reading his book, waiting until the teacher came in and everyone rushed to their seats, class beginning.

  
The class had been reviewing logarithms, something Renjun seemed to excel at.

  
Mr. Lee would put a problem on the board every day, and then he would proceed to choose a random student from a box with everyones name in it to solve said equation. 

  
"Renjun," His teacher called out, waving a little piece of paper with Renjun's name on it in the air. Renjun looked back nervously. "You have been chosen."

  
Renjun knew that one day it would be his turn, but just because he knew doesn't mean he was ready. 

  
It shouldn't be that big a deal, because Renjun knew the subject material like the back of his hand. What was a big deal for him though, was when he would have to get up in front of the class. 

  
Yeah, that wasn't his thing.

  
Nonetheless, Renjun walked up slowly, dreading every step on the way. 

  
The problem was fairly easy, and with a sweaty palm, he focused solely on the problem in front of him, forgetting what was behind.

  
It was a trick he learned in order to feel better. 

  
_Don't look, and it's like it's not even there_ , Renjun would remind himself.

  
In one minute, the equation was solved, and Renjun put the expo-marker back down, walking back to his seat shyly.

  
"Wow." The teacher commented, "That was fast." Mr. Lee stepped closer to the board to inspect Renjun's work, giving it the stamp of approval. "Very nice work, Mr. Huang."

  
Renjun blushed. Other students stared at him. 

  
Renjun always loved compliments, but he would never admit that.

  
Mr. Lee continued with class, presenting a power point about logarithms he claimed to have spent hours making, and handing out various assignments he expected to have completed by the time class ended, turning them into the designated bin.

  
Renjun, like the good student he is, managed to finish all his work with 10 minutes to spare.

  
The bell rung, and with happy sighs of relief, students ran out into the halls. Just like always, Mr. Lee was the first one out.

   
Renjun organized the mess on his desk he had made. He heard Jeno shuffling in front of him in his seat. 

  
It was weird and awkward that Jeno was still here. Usually, the boy couldn't wait to get out of math class, but he hung around longer today, standing up and stretching from the short nap he took.

   
Renjun's eyes went to the blank papers on Jeno's desk that had yet to be filled out. Not that Renjun expected for Jeno to get them done, because Jeno doesn't even do his work when he's awake, much less asleep.

  
"Hey," Hearing Jeno's voice made Renjun momentarily freeze in anticipation, not knowing if the younger boy was actually talking to him. "You're really good at this shit."

  
Renjun gulped, looking up from his papers. 

  
Jeno looked so much more intimidating after a nap, and not to mention, Renjun was sitting down, and Jeno was standing up, so height only made things worse for Renjun.

  
"Um, t-thanks," Renjun stuttered, not understanding why Jeno was suddenly talking to him. 

  
Renjun's life just hasn't been normal lately...

  
"I need a tutor." 

  
Straight to the point. 

  
Renjun was shocked, seeing as how Jeno actually seemed serious.

  
"Can you tutor me?"

  
Renjun furred his eyebrows together. _Where did this suddenly come from?_ It was an out of the moment question.

   
"Me?" Renjun asked quietly. "Uh, why? If you don't mind me by asking?"

  
Jeno shrugged. "I need good grades to play soccer. I'm failing math right now because this shit is too hard, and, well, I need a tutor. You seemed to do well at the problem on the board today, so I was hopping you could help me. I'll pay."

 Jeno had said everything with a monotone expression, like he couldn't care less of Renjun's answer.

  
Renjun contemplated for a second.

   
Tutoring Jeno, simply based on the few experiences Renjun has had with him so far, seemed like it would be torture.  
Jeno had a blank, emotionless way of talking to Renjun that made him feel uncomfortable. And Jeno didn't seem like the person who would actually listen, especially not to him.

  
Plus, Renjun had never even tutored someone before. He didn't know how to.  
All answers were pointing to ' _No_ ,' but Renjun is Renjun, and he had a bad habit of helping anyone he could, even if that person didn't like them (which Renjun was fairly positive that that was the case between him and Jeno.)

  
"Thanks." Jeno replied, grabbing his folder off his desk. "When can we start? I can't do Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Fridays because of soccer, but any other days I'm free pretty much."

  
Renjun could start anyday. He didn't have anything important to do, ever, honestly.  
"How about Thursday?"

  
"Sounds like a plan." Jeno nodded, his face still expressionless, "Do you want to meet at the library, or your house, or-"

  
"Library." The older boy said almost too fast. "Uh, Thursday after school in the library."

  
"Okay. Thanks again..." Jeno awkwardly trailed off.

  
"Renjun." He finsished off for him. _Of course Jeno didn't know his name._

  
"Yeah. Thanks, Renjun." Jeno relapsed. "I know you went with us for pizza Friday, but we didn't get to talk so... yeah. I didn't get a chance to get your name."

  
"That's okay."

  
"My name is Jeno, by the way."  _I know._

  
"Nice to meet you," Renjun replied, not knowing what else to say. 

  
"Yeah, same to you. See you tomorrow."  
Renjun watched Jeno walk out of class, walking with the confidence he always carried, confidence Renjun could only wish of having.

  
*

  
"What book are you reading today, Injonnie?" Jaemin walked in, his voice loud and echoing throughout the empty classroom. He plopped down in the seat beside Renjun. This had become some what of a traditon in the last couple of days.

  
Jaemin had started to come in early to class, just so he could spend some time with Renjun without any interruptions.

  
"It's called The Lovely Bones." Renjun showed Jaemin the book cover.

  
"Sounds sad."

  
"It is."

  
Jaemin nodded. "What's it about?"

  
Renjun pondered. "This girl was murdered, and it's about her watching down on her family as they try to move on from her death and find her killer. All the while, she's trying to move on and go to heaven as well." Renjun explained roughly. He looked at Jaemin for a reaction.

  
"How do you move on from someone's death?" Jaemin asked, his eyes gleaming, looking at Renjun with such intensity, like he would have the answer to that question.

  
"Uh, I guess I badly worded that. I meant, they try to get on with their lives, kind of," Renjun waited to see if that made any difference, but Jaemin continued to stare at him with the same expression. "I'm sorry, it's better if you read the book. I'm bad at explaining things."

  
Jaemin looked, somewhat, disappointed?   
_What was he expecting?_

  
"No thanks, I don't really see the need to read sad books." 

  
"Well, it's sad, but I also think it's really beautiful. A poetic kind of beautiful, if you know what I mean."

  
"I don't." Jaemin replied sternly. Renjun leaned back, clutching his book to his chest, like he was suddenly trying to hide it from Jaemin. 

  
Jaemin noticed.

  
"I'm sorry, Jun," Jaemin apologized, leaning forward to pull Renjun back closer to him in the most subtle action. "I guess I'm just sensitive about that stuff. It's stupid, really."

  
Jaemin's eyes were glossy now. He didn't look away from Renjun. 

  
_He never did._

  
"It's not stupid." Renjun muttered softly. "You're feelings aren't stupid, Jaemin. I guess I'm just not that good with words." Renjun laughed, hoping to lighten the mood.

  
Jaemin shook his head. He took Renjun's hand in his slightly larger one. Renjun blushed at the action, their fingers interlocking.

  
Jaemin looked down at their hands. "I think..." Jaemin trailed off, his eyes fixated on their hands. Solely on their hands. "Uh," He looked back up at Renjun, like he suddenly forgot where they were. "Do you want to hang out today? Just me and you? It can be like a make up for Friday night."

"Today?" Renjun was suddenly so popular to soccer boys.

"Yeah, today." Their hands were still intertwined. Jaemin was stroking Renjun's hand with his thumb in little circle motions that made everything so much more intimate.

"Um," Renjun squeaked out, "Okay."

Jaemin's expression immediately brightened up. It was truly amazing.

"Great." He smiled, teeth showing in his full out grin. 

"After class?" Renjun asked, despite knowing that he had just asked a stupid question.

"Yeah, after class," Jaemin confirmed, giving Renjun's hand a small squeeze. 

It was so warm.

"I think you should get back to your seat now, Jaemin. The person that sits next to me isn't really happy with you because you're always in his seat when he gets here."

Jaemin rolled his eyes playfully. "Renjun, you care too much. If that guy has a problem, he can say it to my face."

"Jaemin." Renjun softly said. Jaemin was stubborn, but that was a revolution Renjun had come to know long before now. "Please?"

"Okay. But only for you." Jaemin said, his hand lingering for an extra second with Renjun's before he got up and had to pull away. 

Renjun's hand was cold now. 

"After class, okay?" Jaemin asked, once again.

"Okay, Jaemin." Renjun smiled.

Class seemed to pass by slower that period. Renjun assumed it was the nerves, because after class he was going to be with Jaemin, just the two of them, and Renjun didn't know if his heart could take it anymore.

His day had been so untypical, what with Jeno asking him to be his tutor, and during his lunch period, when Donghyuck was actually - for the first time Renjun had ever witnessed - had been actually going out of his way to actively avoid Mark, instead of complaining about the older boy like Donghyuck would usually do.

*

"Ready?" Renjun and Jaemin were the only two still left in class. 

The bell had rung approximately two minutes ago, and Renjun had not moved from his seat since.

"Jun?" Jaemin said. Renjun looked up at Jaemin, realizing that the younger boy was now by his side. "Are you ready to go?"

Renjun nodded. 

It was raining once again, spring not being afraid to leave its mark on the city.

"Where are we going, Jaemin?" Renjun asked, gripping onto the straps of his backpack tightly as they were now walking through the empty school building. 

Jaemin's arm occasionally rubbed up against Renjun's as they fell into step, making him nervous.

"Well, I don't really know, actually." Jaemin admitted sheepishly, giving Renjun an innocent smile. "I just wanted to be with you."

Renjun hated when his heart would skip a beat, especially because it was always Jaemin's fault.

"It's raining, so I guess we can't go out, unless you want to get soaking wet." Jaemin laughed at how Renjun immediately shook his head. "Maybe we should start bringing an umbrella to school."

"I think that's a smart idea," Renjun commented.

They walked around the school for a while, aimlessly. Occasionally, when they passed by a specific room, Jaemin would tell Renjun about the class he had taken in the specific classroom. Renjun begun to do the same after a while, wanting to tell Jaemin more and more about himself. 

They passed the art room, and Renjun allowed his gaze to linger inside. 

Art always fascinated Renjun. He loved to draw (read: his notebook filled with Moomin doodles,) but the only time he ever took art was during his freshman year. 

"You want to go in the art room?" Jaemin's voice pulled Renjun back, and he didn't notice that he had stopped walking, his feet planted outside of the art classroom.

"Huh?" Renjun asked.

"Do you want to go in the art classroom?" Jaemin asked again, taking a few steps closer to Renjun.

Renjun hesitated. "Yeah, I would like to." He answered.

"Well, then come on," Jaemin took Renjun's hand for the second time that day, leading him inside the room that was merely feet away.

Renjun looked around him, reminiscing back to his first day of high school, how he walked into this exact room and was mesmerized by the paintings. 

Not much had changed since then, except for the paintings, but the art room was still filled with paint and paintbrushes, canvases outlining the walls. 

"I've never been in the art room before." Jaemin said, hand still paired with Renjun's.

"It's wonderful, isn't it?" Renjun had smiled, big and bright, the atmosphere making him feel light.

"Do you take art?"

Renjun walked towards a painting, a self-portrait, unconsciously pulling his hand away from Jaemin's.

"I used to." Renjun replied. He recognized the person in the painting as a member of the drama club (the reason which he only knew because Donghyuck was also part of the drama club.)

_How could one person have so many talents? I don't even have one,_ Renjun thought.

"Why don't you take it anymore?" Jaemin's voice was closer now, and Renjun could see Jaemin stand beside him from the corner of his eye.

Renjun ripped his eyes away from the self-portrait, looking down at his shoes. "I used to get made fun of in freshman year, and little me thought that if I cut out art, I wouldn't be bullied so much anymore." Renjun twiddled with his fingers, "that didn't work out so well."

Jaemin's hand went to Renjun's chin, making the older boy look up, straight at him. 

Renjun held his breath.

"Who bullied you?" Jaemin's voice was demanding, yet gentle at the same time. He looked angry, but it was almost like he was trying his best to stay calm, just for Renjun.

"They already graduated," Renjun whispered, his voice trembling despite the attempt to keep it under control, "so it doesn't really matter anymore."

"It does matter, Renjun." 

Jaemin was one of the most caring people he had ever met, Renjun determined. Jaemin was nothing like the rumors he had heard.

Renjun forced himself to look away, taking a few steps back to put breathable distance between the two.

"You are really nice, Jaemin. Thank you for that."

"Only for you," Jaemin said. "I like you, Jun."

Renjun blushed, the tips of his ears becoming red.

"Uh," Renjun racked his brain for something to say, but how was he suppose to respond when he didn't even know exactly what Jaemin meant by that statement? "I l-like you too. You're a really good friend." Renjun stuttered out horribly.

Jaemin blinked. "Not like that, Injonnie." _Please stop talking._ "I mean," _Please please stop talking,_ "I like you..." _Please please please stop talking,_ "more than a friend."

Renjun's heart swelled. He couldn't explain the feeling. He just couldn't.

"It's okay if you don't like me back. I don't expect you to." Jaemin mumbled, his mouth in a tight smile, "But I just had to let you know. This is the first time I've ever really felt, _this_ way about someone."

"Why?" Renjun could hear how weak his voice was. 

Jaemin shrugged. "Why not?" He replied. "How could someone not like you?"

"It's not as hard as you think," Renjun said, looking anywhere but at Jaemin.

"It must be pretty goddamn difficult, because you are the most likeable person I have ever met," Jaemin's voice was so caring, it made Renjun melt. "I mean, this has to be _like_ , right?" Jaemin took a small step towards Renjun, still respecting the older's need for space. "All I ever think about is you. You're the only person I want to be with all day... and, my heart does this weird thing every time I see you. So it must be _like_ , right?"

Renjun didn't have the answer. The closest he had ever come to a relationship was when Donghyuck had asked him out for a day in sixth grade, only for both of them to realize that it was probably the worst day of their lives and went back to being friends by the end of the school day, vowing never to speak of it again.

"We haven't known each other for that long," Renjun said. From what he understood, it takes a while for someone to like another person, right? 

"I know," Jaemin replied, "I don't really understand this, what I feel for you. I just know it's not like anything I've ever felt before."

Renjun wished he could vocalize his emotions, but he didn't even know what they were. His heart and brain were confused.

"I'm sorry, I was too forward," Jaemin apologized, "But I just had to say it. You seem to have this idea that no one really wants to be with you. _But I do_. I want to be with you so bad." Renjun felt like his heart was going to break. "And you might not want _this_ , you might never want this, but I just had to say it."

Renjun took a deep breath. "I don't think I'm ready for... this, Jaemin."

Jaemin looked down. He shrieked into himself, and he looked so sad, like the Jaemin he knew before they began talking. 

"Okay." Jaemin answered after a long, gut-wrenching silence. "I understand."

"I'm- I'm sor-"

"Renjun," Jaemin firmly said, "I told you before that you never have to apologize to me. I'm a big boy. I can handle my own feelings."

Renjun hated when Jaemin wouldn't let him say the words. Renjun felt like such a bad person, and bad people need to apologize for their wrongdoings.

"Let's get going, I think we've spent more time in this school than we probably should of. It's getting dark out."

Renjun looked outside the large window in the art class room, the rain now drizzling, the sky turning a darker shade of grey. 

He then looked up at the clock that was pinned above the window, reading the time to be almost seven.

It hadn't felt that long, but the two had already spent four extra hours at school than they needed to.

"Um," Renjun muttered, "O-okay. Let's go, then."

Renjun was two steps ahead of Jaemin the whole time, different from the way they walked side-by-side previously.

They parted outside the school building, going their separate ways. 

Renjun refused to look back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but that confession though :o :) hoped you guys liked this chapter :))) things are actually staring to move along now lol


	9. Love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Then why are you being this way? What have I done wrong?" Renjun sniffled, whether it was from crying or the cold, he didn't know.
> 
> "You could never do anything wrong," Jaemin's hands were warm on Renjun's cheeks. Jaemin didn't let Renjun look away. He never did. "It's just- I'm not, really too good at handling my feelings as I thought I was."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(?): Excessive cursing  
> (idk if this needs to be a warning because there is cursing in a lot of my chapters but in this one it's... excessive?)
> 
> Also Warning: Saddness.

your name is 

the strongest 

positive and negative 

connotation in any language 

it either lights me up or

leaves me aching for days

(rupi kaur)

-

"No, Jeno, that's not how you should do that," Renjun complained, watching as Jeno hopelessly messed up on logarithms for the tenth time that day. "The order is first, third, and then second. I think that's the simplest way to remember it."

Jeno sighed, gripping his pencil tighter, "I don't understand this stupid shit!" 

"Keep your voice down!" Renjun yelled-whispered, because they were currently in the school's library, and the librarian actually liked Renjun (and he didn't want to mess that up.)

Renjun had gotten used to Jeno's outbursts by now, and he knew how to handle them too.

Jeno would just get frustrated and lash out too quickly, so Renjun had to learn to be more stern with him.

It took a while, but after one month of tutoring three days a week (the days Jeno didn't have soccer practice, which made Renjun appreciate him a little more for his dedication in attempting to get better grades,) Renjun finally understood that nothing was really a big deal for Jeno. He never got mad when Renjun would fix his mistakes, or maybe yell at him a little. He just took it. 

"How come you can't learn logarithms?" Renjun asked, rubbing his temples. Logarithms was never a topic they spent the whole tutoring session on. Usually, Renjun would spend the first twenty minutes of their session on logarithms, and then move on to more important topics Jeno needed to know.

But no matter how much time they spent on it, Jeno didn't understand logarithms.

"I don't know!" Jeno sighed, earning a gentle slap on the hand from Renjun (it was more like a tap, because Renjun could never hit anyone,) "Why do I need to even learn this shit?" Jeno dropped his pencil on the table, leaning back into his seat across from Renjun.

"It'll be on our final, Jeno. I want you to be prepared so you pass our final."

"Our final is two months away."

"Exactly, which means we got two months for you to learn logarithms, because clearly you need more than one." Renjun smiled. 

He also learned how to joke with Jeno, because, like previously stated, Jeno never took anything to heart.

"Oppa," The two boys looked up to find Mina walking up beside Jeno. She placed a hand on his shoulder. Renjun studied Jeno's reaction. "What are you doing here? Are you actually studying? You? Lee Jeno."

Jeno smiled, his eyes sparkling, "Yeah," His voice was shaky, Renjun noted. "I know, crazy, right?" Jeno seemed awkward around Mina, _nervous_. "What are you doing, um, here?"

Mina wiggled her science book in front of Jeno. "Studying, too. Got to keep up those straight A's, well, and B's." Mina laughed, and so did Jeno. "Is Jaemin not here with you?"

This is when Jeno stopped laughing. This is also when Renjun's heart speed picked up. 

"No. Jaemin's never been one to study much, you know that." Jeno said rather harshly.

Mina nodded, removing her hand from Jeno's shoulder. She glanced over at Renjun for a split second. "Well, I'm gonna get to studying, so see you later, okay Jeno?"

Jeno nodded, muttering a small 'yeah' and watching her walk away to what seemed to be the other side of the library.

"Do you like her?" Renjun asked suddenly, reminding Jeno that he was still there.

"What?" Jeno's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "What are you even- she likes Jaemin, isn't that obvious?"

"I didn't ask you who she liked. I asked if you liked her," Renjun said, rolling his eyes at Jeno's response. "I'm sorry, I get it if you don't want to tell me. I guess I was just being nosy, you know."

Jeno picked up his pencil, "Can we just get back to this logarithms bullshit?"

"Actually, twenty minutes are up, so we get to move on to our next lovely topic," Renjun smiled, shuffling in his bag next to him for the copies of math assignments he made for Jeno.

"Yes." Jeno said. Renjun's head snapped back up, and he smiled.

"Yes?" Renjun repeated. "Am I suppose to get the reference?"

Jeno sighed, "You don't understand, Renjun." Jeno unconsciously drew circles on a random piece of paper that was on the table, refusing to look up. "I like Mina, and she likes Jaemin, okay? Does it bring you pleasure to see me suffer?"

Renjun didn't respond, pulling out the assignment he was looking for. "No," he said, placing the paper in front of Jeno, "It doesn't bring me pleasure to see you suffer." 

Jeno looked up at Renjun, squinting his eyes, as if he was waiting for something more.

"You don't deserve to suffer. You are a really good guy, no matter how stupid you are."

Jeno scoffed. "Thanks, you make me feel so much better."

"She must be suffering too then, right?" Renjun mumbled.

"What are you talking about?"

"If your suffering because of your unrequited love for Mina-"

"It isn't exactly love-"

"Then isn't she suffering from her unrequited love for Jaemin?" Renjun finished.

Jeno stared back in suprise, because honestly, he hadn't thought about it. Why would he think about it? _Why should he?_ "She knows how Jaemin is like, and she knows he will never love her, so it's her fault for still loving him."

"That's a bit hypocritical, don't you think?" Renjun clicked his tongue. Jeno crossed his arms. "You can't really stop yourself from loving someone, Jeno. No matter how stupid and hurtful it is."

Jeno shook his head. "Jaemin doesn't know what he has. Mina is, _perfect_ in every fucking way, and he doesn't see that."

Renjun shrugged, his foot tapping against the floor, because even talking about Jaemin made him nervous. "If another girl loves you, and she sees you hopelessly pinning after Mina who doesn't appreciate you back, wouldn't she be thinking the same thing?"

"That's different."

"How?"

"No girl loves me."

Renjun groaned quietly. "You're missing the point."

"Not really. If a girl loved me, then I would at least try to love her back."

"And if you couldn't?"

"Geez, Renjun, we are here to study math, not fucking relationships."

Renjun sighed deeply, looking back down at the papers in front of them. "I know. I'm just saying, don't blame Jaemin for feeling his... feelings. It's not like he's hurting anyone."

"He's hurting Mina," Jeno stated like the most obvious thing in the world. Renjun sighed again, tongue poking his cheek. "Listen," Jeno said after a couple seconds of silence, his voice much softer this time. "I know that it's hard for Jaemin to love people, and with his life, I completely get it," _His life?_ "But Mina has always been there for him, since they were fucking children. He should know by now that she would never do anything to hurt him."

Renjun stared at Jeno, because he was at a lost of what to say. He wanted to yell at Jeno, because Jeno in fact did not get it. Being in love with someone, no matter how messed up it is, is not just based on devotion.

It just isn't.

*

Nothing had ever been quite the same since the day Jaemin had confessed to Renjun that he liked the older boy.

They still talked, _yes_. Jaemin still stared, _yes_. But things were different now.

It was like Jaemin was trying his best to put up a wall between them.

Jaemin wouldn't come to class early anymore so he could have those few extra minutes with Renjun and only Renjun, _no_.

Jaemin wouldn't bother Renjun about the book he was reading and end up reading it himself, _no_.

Jaemin didn't call Renjun any cutely adorable nicknames anymore, _no_.

Thimgs had changed.

They were slowly starting to drift apart, becoming the people they were before they talked to each other.

It hurt Renjun. And little did he know, it hurt Jaemin even more.

Because it was in this month of pulling apart, a month full of books and YouTube videos about love, that Jaemin realized he was in fact in love with Huang Renjun.

And that broke him even more.

"Na, you coming to the party at my house tonight, right?" Jeno asked, slinging his backpack on the ground as he took a seat on the bench next to Jaemin.

"Have I ever missed one of your parties before?" Jaemin questioned, looking straight ahead at the pond in front of them.

"Just wondering," Jeno raised his hands up mockingly. "You haven't really been the same lately, that's all. You've been in this fucking bummed out mood."

Jaemin shrugged. "What can I say, life's pretty fucked up for me at the moment."

Jaemin could see Jeno staring at him from the corner of his eye. "Hey, Jaemin, look," Jeno turned his body so he was facing the younger, "You know if you need to talk about it-"

"Then I can always talk to you." Jaemin finished off for him. "Yes, Jeno, I know. Thanks, but I don't have anything I need to talk about. Just the same old shit."

"Your _mom_?" Just hearing that one word made Jaemin feel like he was going to break down. It was stupid, Jaemin always thought. "Have you... seen her, lately, I mean? Is that why you're..." Jeno trailed off.

"Nope. Haven't seen my mom since that night at the convenience store." Jeno remembered that night clearly, becuase that was the first and only time he had ever seen Jaemin cry. Jaemin, who showed up to his house in the middle of the night, his fists bruised with blood. 

That was almost three years ago now. They were freshmen then.

"Okay." Jeno said, blinking. "So, you, uh, the party. You're coming to the party, right?"

Jaemin looked over to Jeno, doing his best to put on a smile. "You're seriously fucking annoying, you know that?"

*

It was Donghyuck's fault that they ended up at Lee Jeno's party Friday night. 

Renjun's first high school party since, well, his whole high school life.

Honestly though, it was Jeno's fault for inviting him to the stupid party, and it was Renjun's fault for telling Donghyuck about it.

_("So, I'm having this party Friday, and I think, as a thank you for tutoring me and shit, you should come," Jeno said that week at the library, packing up his supplies as their tutoring session had ended._

_Renjun smiled, biting his lip nervously. "You want to thank me by inviting me to a tortuous event such as a party?"_

_"Geez, Renjun," Jeno sighed, "Stop being so dramatic. I meant it as a nice thing. Have you ever even been to a high school party?"_

_"No," Renjun shook his head, "And I would not like to start now.")_

Despite his protestes, Renjun's party experiences have started now, and it was all thanks to Donghyuck.

Apparently, Donghyuck just had to talk to Jisoo, (why he couldn't do that at school? Renjun didn't know,) and Renjun knew that Donghyuck alone at parties never ended well.

The music was loud- Renjun was sure he was gonna blow an eardrum- and the lights were flashing- Renjun felt dizzy- and parties, Renjun determined after five minutes of being in one, absolutely sucked.

People were drunk and sweaty, jumping up and down to a rhythm and pushing Renjun around like a ping-pong ball. Much worse than school.

And of course, Renjun lost Donghyuck.

He really needed a leash, because Donghyuck escapes too easily.

It was a miracle when Renjun ended up in Jeno's backyard, and it was a miracle to find it empty.

The night was cold, but that was okay, because the music was muffled by glass doors, and it was peaceful outside.

And maybe Renjun should've stayed where he was, but he saw someone sitting under the big tree in Jeno's backyard, and that person looked so much like Jaemin at night, that Renjun's feet just moved on their own.

Renjun didn't know what he was expecting when he got close enough. Maybe he was hoping that it wasn't Jaemin after all, or maybe he was hoping that it was Jaemin after all.

And it was.

"Renjun?" Jaemin looked up at the older boy, squinting his eyes, as if the moment itself wasn't real.

"Hi," Renjun waved rather awkwardly. 

"What are you-" Jaemin turned, looking back inside through the glass doors, looking at the people dancing and drinking inside, and then looking back to Renjun. "What are you doing here, Renjun?" Jaemin said breathlessly. "Why are you at a party?"

Renjun shrugged. "Why are you?"

Jaemin scoffed. "Because this is who I am, Renjun. I go to parties. You do not."

Renjun looked down at his shoes, taking a seat on the grass next to Jaemin, but also far enough away from Jaemin so it wouldn't be... personal.

"You're right, I don't go to parties."

Jaemin looked handsome, with his eyes sad and beautiful like they were in this very moment. But they shouldn't be sad, and Renjun didn't want him to be.

"So, why are you here?"

Renjun shrugged again. "I- Jeno invited me, I guess, and Donghyuck, well, he wanted to come, so I-"

"Jeno invited you?" Jaemin cut in, his voice filled with confusion. "Right," Jaemin nodded, remembering. "Jeno said you tutored him, so why wouldn't he invite you? I just didn't think you would actually, show up."

More silence. Silence that was filled with shivering and leaves rustling.

"Jaemin, why are you out here, alone?"

Jaemin ripped off patches of grass from beside him. "I didn't really want to be in there."

"Why?"

"Not in the mood."

This was Jaemin to him now. The Jaemin who always gave him short, bleak answers filled with so much wonder.

"I don't want you to be alone, Jaemin. You're gonna catch a cold out here."

Jaemin licked his lips, looking up at the sky before looking over at Renjun, who was still feet away from him. "Why do you care?"

Renjun didn't understand if that was a serious question or not, but after waiting for more, he realized that Jaemin was actually serious.

"Well, because we're friends, aren't we?" Renjun felt tears spring into his eyes, and he hated it. He hated himself for crying over nothing at all.

"Ren... Renjun?" Jaemin's voice went quiet, and without noticing, he scouted closer to Renjun. "Don't, just please don't," A tear escaped, and Jaemin wiped it away. "Please don't cry. _Please_."

Jaemin's eyes were sad too, sadder now than they were before, and Renjun felt horrible because it was all his fault.

"Are we not friends anymore, Jaemin?" Renjun felt like such a child, but he had to know.

"We are, of course we are, Renjun." Jaemin whispered, because there was no reason to yell when they were so close to each other. When it was just them.

"Then why are you being this way? What have I done wrong?" Renjun sniffled, whether it was from crying or the cold, he didn't know.

"You could never do anything wrong," Jaemin's hands were warm on Renjun's cheeks. Jaemin didn't let Renjun look away. He never did. "It's just- I'm not, really too good at handling my feelings as I thought I was."

Renjun didn't understand. 

"I, I love you, Renjun." Renjun's heart stopped. "I love you so much, and I don't want to, because it hurts so, so fucking much." Jaemin closed his eyes. A tear dropped, and Renjun could feel his vision being blurred once again with tears as well. "I thought that maybe this feeling would go away if I stopped talking to you," Jaemin opened his eyes again. He was sad. And it was all Renjun's fault. "But it hasn't, and I'm so fucking afraid that it never will."

Renjun couldn't comprehend what he was hearing.

"And I really just don't know what to do. I've never been good at handling my own shit, and now I've just made it worse. And I'm sorry, because it's not your fault. It's mine because I can't control my fucking stupid emotions and because..." Jaemin took a deep, shaky breath, his hands now on Renjun's neck, "because I love you so, _so_ much." 

Renjun hadn't realized that he stopped moving, that he stopped breathing.

Jaemin looked at his lips, then at his eyes again, and he slowly leaned forward, almost as if he was telling Renjun that if he wanted this to stop, he wouldn't be mad.

"I really do love you," Jaemin whispered, his lips tickling Renjun's, their breaths mingling.

Renjun closed his eyes. This was him wanting to kiss Jaemin too. This kiss would either mess everything up or make everything clear.

Jaemin's kiss was soft, gentle. His lips were soft despite the frosty weather, and they were cold, but they melted into Renjun's lips perfectly.

It was perfect, and Renjun's stomach did flips.

Jaemin's fingers curled against Renjun's neck, and Renjun almost felt embarrassed about how good everything felt.

And then the kiss was over. 

Renjun was left feeling cold again, his eyes slowly coming open.

Jaemin stared at Renjun's lips longer, resisting the strong urge to kiss the older boy again. 

Instead, he prepared himself for Renjun's rejection. He looked back in Renjun's eyes, and he felt his heart break again, if that was even possible.

"I'm sorry," Jaemin softly said, his voice cracking, "I just, I had to do that." Renjun closed his mouth. He didn't realize he was gaping. "You are so beautiful, I just wasn't thinking. I just," Jaemin took in a breath, "I'm sorry."

Renjun stayed silent, because he was so confused, because Jaemin made him feel so different in such a perfect way.

Renjun didn't know if it was love. Maybe not yet. 

But it was _something_.

And Renjun wasn't sure if he was ready for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say that Jeno and Jaemin have potty mouths and Renjun is a bean lol.
> 
> It's 2 AM when I'm posting this and I got work tomorrow but it's fine because I'm finally on summer break so expect more posts soon <333


	10. Sleepover.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renjun leaned forward, giving Jaemin a kiss on his forehead. It was soft and gentle, and Jaemin felt like if home was a person, then his person would be Renjun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter goes into Jaemin's backstory and it's a bit( actually, a lot) sad. So be prepared for that, I guess(?)
> 
> Warning: cursing (should this even be a warning though?)  
> Warning : mentions of drugs and drug use.

you were so distant 

i forgot you were there at all

(rupi kaur)

-

"I can wait," Jaemin said suddenly. 

Renjun's heart skipped a beat. He looked at Jaemin, and Jaemin's eyes were still so sad, but they were still so beautiful.

Renjun felt terrible for rejecting Jaemin.

"Wait?" Renjun repeated. "Like, wait for... wait for me?" 

Jaemin nodded, smiling. It was innocent. "Yeah, I can wait for you. I _want_ to wait for you."

Renjun shook his head, looking back down at the grass beneath him. "Jaemin," Renjun softly began, "I can't ask you to wait. I'm not sure when I'll be..." He tried to find the best word, "Ready to be with someone." 

Jaemin pondered for a moment. "That's okay. I don't want to be with someone I don't love. So I'll wait for you. And if that day never comes, well, then I'll be okay with that too." Jaemin's hand intertwined with Renjun's, and the action brought warmth to the older boy. "As long you're happy, it's okay if that day never comes."

Renjun let a tear fall. "I really do like you, Jaemin." He whispered, biting his lip. "I just don't think being in a relationship is, something I want right now."

Jaemin grinned. "That's okay." He replied. _As long as you're happy._

*

"You can sleep on my bed," Renjun said, grabbing a blanket and laying it on the floor. "I can just steal another pillow from Chenle."

Jaemin stared at the older boy who was setting up a mock-bed on the hardwood that was Renjun's floor.

Renjun invited Jaemin to spend the night, mostly because he didn't feel like it was the best idea for Jaemin to walk home alone at night (Jaemin had previously walked Renjun home from the party, after Renjun successfully found Donghyuck and told his best friend if he was going to come along. Donghyuck passed up the offer, because he was too busy talking with Jisoo. _How that managed to happen?_ Renjun didn't know.)

_"It's okay, injunnie. I've walked home plenty of times by myself at night." Jaemin insisted, smiling at how concerned Renjun seemed about him._

_"Is that suppose to make me feel better?" Renjun asked rhetorically. "Because it didn't."_

_Jaemin laughed, accepting the offer, because who was Jaemin to deny Renjun?_

The two boys managed to sneak past a sleeping Chenle in the living room, who had been waiting, but ultimately failing, for Renjun to get back from the party. 

They were behind the safety of Renjun's door now, but he still warned Jaemin to keep quiet, despite the fact that Chenle was a heavy sleeper.

"Jun, you're not going to sleep on the floor in your own home." Jaemin whispered. "I really don't mind," Jaemin got up from where he was sitting on the bed, taking the blanket from Renjun. "I've slept on the floor hundreds of times before. One more won't hurt."

"Again, is that suppose to make me feel better?" Renjun sighed. "I'm not going to let my guest sleep on the floor, Jaemin." Renjun attempted to say as intimidatingly as he could, but Jaemin always made him feel shy.

"Okay, I got a simple solution."

"You let me sleep on the floor?" Renjun attempted to grad the blanket from Jaemin, but he moved it out of Renjun's grasp in one swift move.

"No," Jaemin grinned. Renjun blushed, not noticing how close they were at the moment. "How about we both sleep on the bed."

Renjun's blush deepened, his ears turning a light shade of red.

"B-both... of us?" His voice trailed off at the end, the thought of sharing a bed with Jaemin suddenly making him very nervous.

Jaemin's eyes widened. "Unless you don't want to," He added quickly. "It's totally fine. I can sleep on the floor, Injonnie, it's really no big deal."

Renjun let the question sink in for a second. "No, it's okay. We can both sleep on the bed, if you want..." Pause. "I think it would be better that way." Renjun mumbled shyly.

Renjun's bed wasn't the biggest. It was a simple twin sized bed. Perfect for one person. 

But only for one person. 

Trying to fit another on the bed meant for little to no personal space, which was the problem Renjun had predicted from the whole ordeal.

As a solution, Renjun put a pillow between them, acting almost as a wall. Not the best wall, but a wall.

They were both on their sides, and the two boys ended up facing each other, despite Renjun's attempts to sleep the other way. It was a miserable attempt, because his face was squished up against the cold wall.

So here they were, surrounded by silence and darkness. The only light was coming from the window in the form of moon rays.

Renjun tried to keep his eyes closed, because he knew opening them would bring more trouble to his poor heart than he was ready for.

Renjun began to think.

He thought about all the things Jaemin had said previously, the things he brushed off as nothing before.

"Jaemin?" Renjun whispered, still keeping his eyes shut. 

He didnt know what he was expecting. Some part of him was hoping Jaemin had already fallen asleep. Another part wanted him to answer.

"Renjun." Jaemin replied, a smile detected in his tone of voice.

Renjun shut his eyes even tighter.

"Before," Renjun didn't know if he should be asking what he was about to ask, but it was Jaemin, and Renjun felt comfortable with Jaemin. "Before, you said that you would walk home a lot alone... at night." He said. "And then you said you were used to sleeping on the floor..."

"Yes, I did." Jaemin's voice was soft, comforting.

"I was just wondering..." Renjun took in a deep breath. "I was just wondering what you meant by that."

It was utter silence for a long time after that.

Renjun worried he might have crossed a line, and unconsciously, he opened his eyes, which proved to be a big mistake.

The moon was doing an excellent job of highlighting all of Jaemin's features.

His nose. His lips. His eyelashes that were so long and pretty. His eyes that were tender, looking down with so much pain.

"I'm sorry," Renjun muttered. 

_Why did he always seem to make Jaemin sad?_

"Don't be." Jaemin replied, looking at Renjun with sparkling eyes. Renjun stopped breathing for a minute. "I just- I just don't want this to change the way you think about me."

Renjun shook his head immediately. "There's no reason why it would, Jaemin."

Jaemin laid in silence, not responding. For a while it was just their breathing, and then Jaemin began.

"My dad passed away when I was six." 

Renjun's heart ached. "I'm sorry." He whispered. 

Jaemin rolled his eyes playfully, but Renjun could see the tears threatening to fall. 

"He died in a car crash, and my mother, well, to say the least, she didn't take it well." Jaemin dug his nails in the palm of his hand. Renjun could see how hard he was clenching his fist, and it looked painful, so he gently pulled Jaemin's hand into his own.

It was a comforting action. Their hands laid between them against the pillow. Jaemin choose to focus only on Renjun.

"When I was seven, my mom stared to do drugs. It wasn't much at first, but then she got addicted, you know, and then she began to have boyfriends that only pressured her more."

Jaemin unconsciously dug his nails into the back of Renjun's hand, a side affect of their interlocking fingers.

Renjun winced, but he didn't say anything. This was Jaemin opening up to him, after all. He knew the wounds would heal, but he knew Jaemin's wouldn't.

"My mom started to leave me alone for longer periods of time more and more. Most of the time I didn't eat till school, and in the summer, I went over to Jeno's a lot, and that was my meal for the day. My mom didn't even give me anything. She just expected a kid to be able to feed and provide for themself."

The tears finally fell.

Renjun wiped them away, just like Jaemin had done for him before.

"If I'm lucky, I'll see her once within the next three months. In a way, it's funny really. My dad's insurance paid off the house we live in, but his death is the thing that causes my mom to never be in that house."

A pause.

"Back in freshman year, I went to the convenience store at night to get... I don't even know now. But, as crazy as it is, I saw my mom there. And she was with her boyfriend and a group of other fucking junkies. It was stupid of me, but seeing my mom and how she was, I tried to take her home with me. Her boyfriend, he didn't allow it. And I was going to fight, I really was, but the fucked up thing was that she didn't even want to come with me. She wanted to stay with them. She choose _them_ over _me_. Over her own _fucking_ son. And it hurt so fucking much. It hurt even more when all of her friends were surprised to find out she was even a mom. Like, can you believe that? Why should their opinions matter to me?"

Jaemin was angry and sad. His face was soaked in tears, and his voice was hoarse. His breathing was uneven, and Renjun just wanted to calm him down. 

"She left me there. She fucking left me there all alone at night. But apparently it's okay though, because she gave me twenty fucking bucks to last me months."

Renjun waited. He waited for Jaemin's breathing to even out. 

Renjun waited to say anything until he knew Jaemin was okay (physically, at least.)

"I'm sorry." Renjun whispered, moving closer to Jaemin, their hands getting squished inbetween the two, and the pillow.

Jaemin's eyes were red and puffy, unfocused.

"Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I didn't know, Jaemin."

"Nobody really did. Mina knew, but that's because she's known me since elementary school. And Jeno knew, but that's only because after that night at the store I ran to Jeno's house. Of course he was going to have questions about why I was suddenly at his house in the middle of the night crying. And to make matters worse, I punched a tree multiple times before I ran to Jeno's. So it probably looked like I had been in a fight to him."

Jaemin laughed, but it was dry and cold.

"Renjun, you're the only person I've told because, well, because I've simply trusted you. And I'm really hoping that this doesn't make you think of me any less."

"No, Jaemin," Renjun quickly defended. "I would never think of you any less just because of - of your mom."

Jaemin smiled, and Renjun wanted to treasure it forever.

"Thank you, for trusting me. It means a lot."

Renjun leaned forward, giving Jaemin a kiss on his forehead. It was soft and gentle, and Jaemin felt like if home was a person, then his person would be Renjun.

And then they fell asleep, tangled into one another, and all worries washed away in that moment.

*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been waiting to write Jaemin's backstory for a while now, and yes it is sad, and Jaemin is insecure about his past and who he is, but things will develop in future chapter (you'll see)
> 
> Also, about how long should I make this story? I'm thinking around 20 chapters, but I don't really know. I have things mapped out in my head of how things are going to go, but I tend to focus on the little details in my writing which stretches the story out longer than I usual intend it to be. I just don't want you guys to get bored reading this lol.


	11. Bubblegum.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renjun worried. Without thinking twice, he reached under the table and placed his hand on Jeno's knee. 
> 
> The younger boy stopped shaking. He looked at Renjun in shock.

don't mistake 

salt for sugar 

if he wants to

be with you

he will

it's that simple

(rupi kaur)

-

"So, you and Jaemin." Donghyuck muttered, staring forward at the blank chalk board. 

"So, you and Jisoo." Renjun mimicked, staring at the blank chalkboard as well.

"You first."

Renjun sighed. "Jaemin and I are... friends. That's all." Renjun said. "Your turn."

"Jisoo and I are friends, but I guess you could say I want it to be something more."

Donghyuck and Renjun were sitting in class, choosing to have lunch there instead of the cafeteria, although neither of them were doing much eating.

They were discussing Jeno's party, albeit a bit awkwardly.

"You guys seemed to be really close when Jaemin and I, uh, left." Renjun still felt weird about mentioning Jaemin's name in front of Donghyuck. 

"Let's just say we both had a couple of drinks, and she was looking for a rebound."

"Rebound?"

"Yeah," Donghyuck clenched his fists on his desk. "Mark broke up with her. That idiot."

"Oh." Renjun hummed. "Do you know why?"

"Nope." Donghyuck replied, popping the 'p' sound.

"Did you ask Mark-hyung?"

"Nope." Donghyuck repeated. "I've kinda been avoiding him since the night we out for pizza."

Renjun laughed. "You don't say?" Donghyuck smiled, punching his best friend in the arm gently. "You've been running away from him every chance you get."

"Well..." The younger trailed off for a while. "Well, I think things will be awkward when I do, you know, have to talk to him again." Renjun nodded understandingly. "I don't know why Mark... kissed me, but whatever the reason, I don't think I can feel the same way for him, as he might feel for me." He admitted.

"You don't like Mark-hyung like that?"

"Jun," Donghyuck sighed, facing the older, "All my life, we haven't exactly been friends. And now, the girl I've had a crush on since freshman year is single. I can't miss my shot, Jun."

Renjun rolled his eyes. "Hyuck, I love you, and you are my bestest friend in the whole entire world-"

"You're only friend, really." Donghyuck cut in mockingly, earning a hard punch to the chest. "Ow!" He whined, rubbing the spot Renjun had previously hit.

"Not the point." Renjun continued. "What I'm trying to say is, you have been trying since freshman year to get Jisoo to be your girlfriend. Think about it, we're now juniors and you haven't made much progress, have you?"

Donghyuck hated how logical Renjun was. 

"You might be right." Donghyuck muttered under his breath, crossing his arms and leaning back stubbornly in his chair.

"Maybe it's time to move on."

"Easy for you to say," Donghyuck said, "You've never felt this way about anyone. I think I might love her, Jun."

Renjun looked down at his untouched food. He tightened his grip around his chopsticks.

"I might... like someone." Renjun softly commented. He thought he said it too low for Donghyuck to hear, but that boy sure could pay attention when he wanted to.

"You like someone?!" Donghyuck practically yelled. Renjun covered his mouth with his hand quickly, dropping his chopsticks on his desk.

"Shhhh!"

"Sorry." Donghyuck apologized, his voice coming out in a mumble. Renjun slowly took his hand away. "I just- I'm just surprised, Jun. Who is it? Who's the lucky guy?"

One thing Donghyuck was that Renjun absolutely loved, was that his best friend never judged him, which is what made coming out to him much easier.

"I said I _think_ I might like someone." Renjun rephrased.

"Okay, well who do you _think_ you like."

Renjun bit his lip nervously. This was Donghyuck, his best friend for many years, so there shouldn't be any reason for Renjun to feel this sickness in his stomach. But he did.

"Jaemin, I-I think." Renjun blushed furiously.

Donghyuck raised his eyebrows, leaning back even further, like he had been punched again. "Jaemin, as in the Jaemin you just said was only your friend?

"Yes."

"As in the annoyingly good-looking soccer player Jaemin that's friends with Mark?"

"Yes."

"The one you left the party with?"

"Yes."

"Na Jaemin?" 

"Yes."

"Wow." Donghyuck said. It was silent for a second, and then Hyuck broke out into a full on grin that took up his whole face. "Look at you!"

"It's- it's nothing much, seriously." Renjun stuttered. His best friend continued smiling.

"Are you kidding me? That's, great, Renjun! Although, I don't know how well it was to have a crush on Jaemin, because he seems kind of like an ass, but hey, you took him home the other night!"

Renjun sighed, shaking his head, a small smile playing on his lips.

"I'm not sure if I actually _like_ him though."

Donghyuck's smile immediately fell, replaced with a look of confusion. "What do you mean?"

"I mean-" Renjun paused. "I mean, its weird what I feel. I don't want to be in a relationship with him, but I also don't want him to be in a relationship with someone else. It's selfish, I know, but I'm just so confused."

Donghyuck took Renjun's hands. "That does sound selfish," Renjun looked up at him with a hurt expression, but Donghyuck smiled instead. "Look, you're feelings are justified. You're Renjun. You've always been careful with your feelings. You're not ready to be in a relationship, and that's totally fine."

"But it's not fair to him." Renjun felt his voice strain. He felt weak. "The night of Jeno's party, he kissed me, and he told me he loves me, and after that he spent the night at my house."

Donghyuck's jaw dropped wide open. "He confessed to you that he loved you and kissed you and I'm just now hearing about your maybe _like_ now?"

"It was a pretty new thing." Renjun shrugged. "But the thing is, I feel like all I do is hurt him, and I just want him to find someone else who will feel the same way about him, because Jaemin deserves to be loved. And I don't think I can give him that. Not now, at least."

Donghyuck sighed, squeezing Renjun's hands comfortingly. "So, what are you going to do then?"

 Renjun didn't have an answer.

*

"Want some gum?" Jeno offered, handing Renjun the pack.

"Um," Renjun shifted in his seat. "No thanks, Jeno."

"You sure? It's bubblegum flavored." Jeno's leg tapped annoyingly under the table. It wouldn't have bothered Renjun so much, if it wasn't for the fact that Jeno's leg was up against his own as they sat across from each other in their regular booth in the library.

"I'm sure," Renjun replied, eyeing Jeno curiously. "Are you okay?"

"Me?" Jeno questioned. Renjun nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine, just a bit jittery, that's all."

"Why?"

"Aren't we here to study, Renjun?" Jeno picked up his pencil, staring down at the sheet in front of him, not making a move to answer any of the questions.

"I've been trying to get you to study for the past half hour, but you haven't been listening, so," Renjun slammed his book shut, the sound echoing. Renjun turned around, thankful that there was no one in the room. "So, tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing is wrong," Jeno dropped his pencil on the table once again. "I just drank too many energy drinks, that's all."

"And why did you do that?" Renjun asked, knowing how unhealthy that would be for Jeno, especially because of the fact that he is an athlete.

"I don't have time to sleep."

"There's twenty-four hours in a day," Renjun said. "Make time."

"I can't possibly be expected to keep up with my grades _and_ soccer if I sleep, you know that, right?"

"Why not? You were doing well before."

Jeno took a piece of his own gum and chewed it in a desperate attempt to calm down his heart. 

"Our last game is coming up, okay, and that means we have to win it. And next year is only a few months away, and that means this will be my last shot to show coach I'm the best choice to be our new captain after Mark-hyung graduates. So I'm trying to be better. And it's either soccer or my grades, and I can't play soccer without good grades, so I have to make time for grades and more soccer practices." Jeno was talking fast. 

Renjun worried. Without thinking twice, he reached under the table and placed his hand on Jeno's knee. 

The younger boy stopped shaking. He looked at Renjun in shock.

Renjun surprised himself at his own action, but he held his place.

"Look Jeno, you are fantastic player. And I get your determination, but if you keep doing this your body is going to give out. There is only so much energy you'll get before you body gives out, and next thing you'll know, you could be collapsing in the middle of a game." Renjun felt the intensity of Jeno's gaze, but he continued, speaking gently. "You know how worried everyone will be if that happens?"

Jeno stared at Renjun. His expression remained.

Slowly, Renjun removed his hand from Jeno's knee, the younger boy having gone completely still.

"Even you?" Jeno wondered out loud.

Renjun blinked. "Yeah," He mumbled, "Of course I'll be worried." Renjun felt as if he whispered the last part. "So please stop doing this to yourself, okay?"

And for a moment, it felt like Jeno was going to give in. 

But then that moment ended.

"I should get going, Jun. Coach wanted to get some extra practice in today." Jeno started to gather his belongings hurriedly after looking at the clock.

"But, today's your off day," Renjun protested.

"Yeah, but like I said, the big game is only weeks away, so that means extra practice." Jeno stood up. Renjun looked up at him. "I'll- I'll see you Thursday."

Renjun waved goodbye, not bothering to watch as Jeno left the library. 

He felt a certain anger bubble up inside him. He felt concerned for Jeno. Renjun appreciated Jeno's determination for the things he loved, but he hated how Jeno always seemed to put those things before his own health and well-being (read: Jeno's love for Mina.)

*

"Hey," Jaemin's face instantly brightened up at the sight of Renjun. 

"Hi," Renjun greeted, feeling as Jaemin took a seat beside him, their arms brushing up against each other. 

Renjun looked over at Jaemin, taking his time to examine the younger's face.

"What?" Jaemin laughed, looking down at Renjun's lips. Renjun didn't realize how close he had gotten, and carefully leaned away.

"Im just checking." Renjun replied, embarrassed.

"Checkin for...?" Jaemin trailed off, hoping Renjun would finish.

"Just checking to make sure you're okay." Renjun said. Jaemin's heart fluttered. "I know your guys last soccer game is coming up, and I just want to make sure you're not doing anything, you know, crazy."

Jaemin leaned forward in the desk, finding Renjun's eyes. "I'm fine, you see," Jaemin gestured to his face, smiling like a little kid. 

Renjun smiled back. "Yeah, that's good."

Jaemin didn't look away from Renjun. 

Renjun felt his heart pound in his chest. 

And then he felt sorry.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the suckky chapter but I've been really busy lately lol. I hoped you liked it though, and there is a bit of foreshadowing so... ;)
> 
> Ps: thanks for all the comments <3 I love reading them :)


	12. 2 Filler (kinda?) Markhyuck edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Like you could." Donghyuck hated that Mark was right. "Look, I didn't come here to fight with you."
> 
> "Oh, then why did you come?" Donghyuck asked with fake interest.
> 
> "I want you to go on a date with me."

you were temptingly beautiful

but stung when i got close

(rupi kaur)

- 

Donghyuck looked down at his script. He sighed dramatically. "What does our drama teacher think? He doesn't expect us to memorize all this by next Monday, does he?!"

Donghyuck and his classmate, Lee Felix, were currently seated on an empty stage - The stage they so often performed plays on. 

"He does." Felix skimmed through the packet. "I don't know how I'm going to find time for this. Coach has really been cracking down on practice lately."

"I don't know how you do it," Donghyuck commented. "Soccer and performing. That's too much pressure."

Felix shrugged. "I like it."

Donghyuck stared at his friend, feeling sorry for him.

Felix, Donghyuck had to admit, was shamelessly handsome.

They met in freshman year, when the two had both joined drama.

They didn't talk much. Donghyuck at the time had no confidence whatsoever, and Felix, well he was part of the soccer team, so he didn't have to worry much.

Despite, Felix was nice, and over the years, the two became friends. 

They were partners, and they always helped each other run lines.

Donghyuck likes Jisoo, that's a fact. But, he also has the tiniest crush on Felix, that's also a fact.

It was almost like if Donghyuck had never meet Jisoo, then maybe Felix would have taken her place in his heart instead.

After all, Felix is tall(er than him,) handsome, kind, athletic (which instantly made anyone more attractive in Donghyuck's book,) and Australian. 

Donghyuck couldn't find anything to hate.

"Yo~" Donghyuck looked up. Anger, a natural reaction when he heard _that_ voice, filled him.

"Hey, hyung," Felix greeted, standing up to give Mark a handshake once the older boy reached them. Another boy was behind Mark, holding a soccer ball. Donghyuck recognized the boy as Jisung.

Donghyuck almost crumpled his script in his hands.

"Am I late?" Felix asked.

"Yeah, coach was throwing a fit just about," Jisung, the boy with the soccer ball, answered. "Come on, let's get going."

Felix looked back down at a confused Donghyuck.

"Sorry, Hyuck. I told you coach had been cracking down on us." He lifted his book bag off the floor, placing his script inside it. "Catch you tomorrow?"

"I'll be here," Donghyuck sighed. 

He watched as the trio conversed. Mark looked down at him, and Donghyuck instantly turned away.

Hyuck heard Mark say something to Felix. He couldn't understand any of it, because Mark choose to speak in English, and he choose to speak very fast, which annoyed Donghyuck.

"Okay man, but hurry or else coach will blow his top," Felix responded. This time Donghyuck was able to understand, because Felix responded in Korean.

With one last wave to Hyuck, Felix and Jisung ran off the stage and out of the drama room.

There was only one problem. And his name is Mark.

Donghyuck glared up at the older boy, packing up his stuff and standing up.

"Where are you going?" Mark asked.

"Anywhere away from you."

"That's harsh."

Donghyuck wanted to punch Mark, literally. But he didn't. Mostly because he knew it wouldn't hurt that much, and also because he knew Mark could beat him up if he choose to. 

So, Donghyuck resulted for glaring the older to death.

"What do you want?" 

"You." Mark smirked. Donghyuck rolled his eyes and began walking away. "Okay, okay," Mark raised his hands up, blocking the way for Donghyuck to leave the stage.

"Get out of my way." The younger boy said menacingly. Or at least, he thought it sounded that way.

"Or what?"

Donghyuck raised an eyebrow. Mark smiled. "Do you want me to kick you're ass?"

"Like you could." Donghyuck hated that Mark was right. "Look, I didn't come here to fight with you."

"Oh, then why did you come?" Donghyuck asked with fake interest.

"I want you to go on a date with me."

_He wasn't serious._

"And I want you to leave me alone. We can't have everything we want, now can we." Donghyuck growled back. Mark thought he looked cute.

"I'll make you a deal." Donghyuck squinted his eyes. "You go on one date with me, and by the end of the night, if you still hate my guts, then I promise I'll leave you alone."

"So you're basically harassing me into going out with you?"

"No." Mark sighed. "Listen, you don't like me like that, I've noticed. But that's because you've never gave me the chance to be nice to you."

"You've had plenty of chances." Donghyuck said.

"I guess your right, but you basically treat me like shit twenty-four-seven, so it's kinda hard." Donghyuck tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for Mark to get on with it. "If you give me a chance, I promise I can change your mind."

Donghyuck pondered on the idea for a moment. 

"Okay, but after this ' _date_ ,' you leave me alone, okay?"

Mark smirked. Donghyuck wanted to slap it away. "Only if you don't enjoy it."

"Don't worry," Donghyuck patted Mark's chest. "I won't."

*

Mark told Donghyuck to meet him at the park.

Donghyuck knew exactly the park Mark was talking about.

It was the park that Mark and Donghyuck would always play at when they lived next to each other.

"Am I late?" Donghyuck asked. He watched as Mark lazingly rocked on the swing.

"No." He smiled.

"Are you early?" 

"I'm not." Mark answered.

Donghyuck looked at his watch. It read exactly five o'clock, the time Mark had told him to meet him.

"You're always right on time, so I knew I had to come a couple minutes before." Mark grinned.

"So, you are early." Hyuck retorted. "Why did you want to meet here?"

Mark shrugged. "I thought it'd be nice, you know. Bring back memories."

"Memories I'd rather not remember." Donghyuck remember too many instances where he got hurt in this park. Some were due to Mark (though that was only cause Mark would defend himself,) and others were because he was just a clumsy kid. But, most were from Mark. "So is this it?"

"Of course not." Mark stood up, grabbing Donghyuck by the hand and pulling him along, gently.

"Hey!" Donghyuck yelled, looking down at their connecting hands. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"It's a date." Mark smiled. "This is what people do on dates, isn't it?" Mark looked back and gave the younger an innocent look.

Donghyuck gave in. "Whatever."

They walked a short path. Along the way, Hyuck noticed many things. He noticed how the houses looked like those he used to live in as a child. He noticed the clouds bundling up in the sky and turning a nasty shade of grey. And he noticed how Mark's hand never let go of his along the way.

They walked side-by-side, and Donghyuck found himself supirised that Mark wasn't attempting to try anything. 

"You like this ice cream shop, don't you." Mark stated, because he knew.

Donghyuck looked up. "Yeah," He whispered in amazement. "You remembered?"

Mark smiled back at the younger. "Of course. Our moms would always take us here after a long day at the park, though, we never get along then."

Hyuck smiled for the first time around Mark in a long time. He hadn't realized how much he missed the place. 

"Well, what are we waiting for?" This time, it was Donghyuck who was pulling Mark along, practically racing inside.

The shop was decently full, and that made Hyuck even more happy. Nothing had changed.

And looking at the selections, Donghyuck found himself ordering the same thing he did as a kid. Strawberry ice cream.

Mark thought the sight was irreplaceable.

Mark ended up going for mint chocolate chip, the same thing he ordered as a kid as well.

And Mark ended up paying, despite the numerous protests from Donghyuck.

_"I can pay for myself!" He complained._

_Mark shook his head. "It's a date. This is what people do on dates."_

The two ended up sitting in the table fatherest to the corner. 

Donghyuck felt weird. He felt appreciative of Mark, and that was a new feeling.

"Why are you like this?" Hyuck asked.

Mark furred his eyebrows in confusion. "Like what?"

Donghyuck tried to find the words to place it. "Why are you being so... _nice_ to me?"

Mark laughed, his eyes crinkling up. "Because I like you."

"I know that."

"Then...?"

_Stupid Mark._

"I just- Like-" Donghyuck stuttered hopelessly. "I mean, after all these years, your just now deciding to be nice to me? When did things change?"

Mark blinked. "Well, it's kind of hard to be nice to you when all you are is mean to me, Hyuck." Mark took a bite of his ice cream. "And for your other question, I guess things changed when you started high school."

Donghyuck waited for Mark to proceed.

"You were still just as annoying, but, I guess I changed? I just started to like you. That's it really. There's not much more I can say."

Silence took up the majority of their time together, and before they knew it, they were both out of ice cream.

"Why did you kiss me?" Donghyuck nervously asked. He didn't like being nervous, especially not around Mark. It made him feel vulnerable.

"I just wanted to do it for a long time, so I did."

"And you thought the best time would be when we were out with all our friends _and_ your girlfriend?"

Mark licked his lips. "I mean, it wasn't the perfect plan, but it just seemed like the right time."

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. _Right time my ass._ "And Jisoo?" He continued. "Why did your guys break up?"

Mark widened his eyes just the slightest bit, letting them fall back to their original state once he processed the question. "It's kind of obvious. I like _you_. I want to date _you_."

Donghyuck sighed.

"You know, we will never work out." He stated. Hyuck swirled his spoon around in his cup.

"What do you mean?" Mark looked down at the table. "This date going that bad, huh?"

"No." Donghyuck defended all to quickly. Mark looked back up, a small smile threatening to escape.

"Then? What do you mean?"

"Besides the fact that we are complete opposites," Donghyuck stated, "You are graduating this year. It's too late. We've had all this time, but now it's just too late."

Mark felt offended. "That doesn't make any sense." He said rather harshly. "Hyuck, I'm eighteen. You're seventeen. How is this too late?"

Donghyuck thought about it. "You're going to move on, go to college, meet new people. I'm sure you feelings will change once you meet more mature people."

"If I wanted someone more mature I could have literally gone to anyone else at school."

"That's rude."

Mark sighed. "My feelings haven't changed for years now, and I've been in plenty of relationships." And then Mark leaned forward. _Too close._ Donghyuck averted his gaze. "You're right. I don't know how I will feel in college. But right now, I'm going to tell you that I like you and only you. And, I really want to kiss you right now." Mark added the second part like an afterthought.

A feeling changed just then.

Donghyuck held his breath. "Mark," he softly said. "I don't kiss on the first date." Donghyuck pulled back, leaving Mark stunned.

Donghyuck smiled to himself. "Come on, hyung. It's getting late." He stood up, waiting for Mark to get out of his state of shock and follow him.

"Wait." The older boy said, still frozen. "Did you just call me 'hyung'?"

Donghyuck rolled his eyes. "Yes, I did. Now, are you going to get up, or are you going to stay here all night?"

Donghyuck didn't bother for a response, knowing Mark would follow him the second he got out the door.

He was right.

"Wait," Mark said again. Donghyuck continued walking ahead. Mark ran to catch up. "You said you don't kiss on the first date," A pause. "Am I to assume there will be a second?"

Donghyuck stopped. Mark stopped with him.

"You know, it's kind of amazing. In just these couple of hours you have managed to change my mind of what I thought of you all these years." Donghyuck grinned. "So yes, you assumed right."

Mark's eyes sparkled, and he kissed the younger's cheek. 

This time, Donghyuck was left surprised.

And as Mark walked him to his house, Donghyuck knew that it wouldn't be so hard liking Mark. 

He knew that maybe, just maybe, forgetting about Jisoo wouldn't be as hard as he thought it was going to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realized as I was reading the first chapter of my story that I make a lot of grammar mistakes, so if there are any that are too obvious then please tell me <3 I plan to go back after I'm done with my story and fix any grammatical mistakes, and I usually reread my chapters before I post them to make sure they are good, but I still somehow always miss a few lol.


	13. Safe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin didn't have to think. 
> 
> He leaned in closer. Renjun's heart was beating like a hammer, but he felt safe. He felt safe with Jaemin.
> 
> "I will never hurt you," Renjun believed him. "I could never hurt you." Renjun believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ps: this takes place a couple days after last chapter.

more than anything 

i want to save you

from myself 

(rupi kaur)

-

"Hey, mom." Renjun said into the phone. 

  
"Hi baby," His mother replied back. Her voice was straining. She was tired, and Renjun knew that no matter how hard she tried to hide it. "How are you?"

  
"Okay." 

  
"And your cousin?"

  
"Chenle is fine, too."

  
Silence.

  
"How's China?" It was a question Renjun always asked his mom. The answer was always the same.

  
"Not as good without you here."

  
"And dad?" Renjun regretted asking the moment the question came out.

  
"He's..." His mother sighed. "He's here too."

  
"When are you coming back?"

  
More silence.

  
"Soon." His mother answered.

  
Renjun laughed bitterly. "You said that last month."

He swallowed the tears.

*

Renjun never really believed in coincidences. He believed simply in fate. That there was a reason for everything.

But right now, he couldn't think of a good reason that in the middle of the night, (on a weekday, to add,) Renjun just so happened to bump into Jaemin at the gas station. 

"J-Jaemin?" Renjun whispered to himself. 

Jaemin turned to face the smaller boy, suprise overcoming him.

"Jun?" Jaemin smiled waringly, taking a couple steps closer. "What are you doing here? It's three AM."

"I could ask you the same question." Renjun looked down, his gaze focusing on the two Red Bull's Jaemin had tucked in his forearm. "Got enough energy drinks?" 

"Oh," Jaemin's smile wavered. "I- you know I'm... just preparing. That's all."

"Preparing for what?"

Jaemin sighed, taking another step closer. Renjun really wished he would stop doing that, but he couldn't find the power in him to move away. Jaemin so close to him just felt, _right_.

"Nothing much, actually. I just haven't been able to sleep recently, and I don't want to be falling asleep in class. If I do that, then I'll get bad grades, and then if I have bad grades, I won't be able to play soccer anymore, and... and," Jaemin trailed off, speaking quickly. 

It just had to be stupid fate, didn't it?

"You didn't answer my question, Injonnie," Jaemin suddenly said, the tension passing. "What are you doing here so late?"

Renjun looked down at his feet. "Chenle, m-my cousin, if you didn't know. He's, well, he woke up because he's really sick, and we didn't have any medicine, so I thought why not but some." He finished off awkwardly, mumbling under Jaemin's gaze. 

Renjun knew it was a bad idea. And he was never one to act rash. But maybe it was the lack of sleep that was willing him to be this way, or maybe it was another, much more likely, option. 

But Renjun didn't want to consider that.

So instead, he blamed his next action on the lack of sleep.

"Do you, um, maybe, want to come and sleepover at my house?" Silence as he continued to look down. "I mean, I know it's late, and you don't have your uniform with you or anything, which actually makes this a pretty stupid question to ask, so I'm sorry." At three AM, Renjun realized, he had no filter. 

"Jun," Jaemin laughed. Another step closer. Renjun wondered if the man at the register could see them all the way at the back of the store. He hoped the man couldn't. "You didn't even give me a chance to respond." 

Renjun looked back up at Jaemin. He couldn't have prepared himself for how his heart did jumping jacks. 

Up close like this, Renjun could see the dark circles imprinting themselves under Jaemin's eyes. Hell, this close, Renjun could see his own reflection in his eyes.

"I would love to spend the night," Jaemin grinned, sneaking a glance out the gas station window, then focusing them back on the older. "Well, the rest of the night, that is."

Renjun stopped breathing for a second. "O-okay." He nodded. "Good."

So Jaemin paid for his two energy drinks, and Renjun purchased a small variety of medicines for Chenle, and the two boys walked through the quiet streets of Seoul with their bags in hand. 

The street lights did a brilliant job of lighting up the sidewalk, and only occasionally would they see a car driving past, going who-knows-where.

"Chenle's a lucky kid," Jaemin continued looking forward as they walked side-by-side. Renjun looked at him with a confused expression.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-" Jaemin smiled, "I mean Chenle's lucky to have you to care for him."

"Thanks." Renjun muttered, his heart pounding. 

Funny, how a simpe late night trip to the gas station ended up like this. 

Fate working its hardest. 

And Renjun couldn't be mad at that.

Soon, they ended up at Renjun's house. Chenle was asleep on the couch, his leg hanging off and his blanket in the floor. 

Renjun laughed, and so did Jaemin.

"I don't have any possible explanation for why he's like this," Renjun placed the bag of medicines on the kitchen table, walking to the living room and adjusting Chenle's position. He picked up the blanket from the floor, tucking Chenle in. "He kept me awake for two hours with his 'fever'," Renjun used air quotation marks around _fever_ , "And the second I leave, he falls fast asleep."

Jaemin only laughed.

"And to think," Renjun looked down at his younger cousin, a frown threatening to escape his lips. "I was worried for nothing."

Jaemin shifted on his feet, watching as Renjun stared at Chenle. Their was something in the older's eyes. It was sadness, and Jaemin so badly wanted to take that away from him.

_Because Renjun deserves all the happiness in the world._

"Um," Just like that, with a simple waver of a voice, Renjun was brought back to reality.

"Sorry," Renjun apologized. "I don't know what I was doing. We should go to sleep. We have school tomorrow."

Renjun led Jaemin to his room. 

Renjun couldn't ignore the feeling in his stomach. It was baseless, because there was no reason for him to feel so nervous with Jaemin lying on his bed. 

They slept in Renjun's bed the night of Jeno's party, so why do things feel so strange now?

Renjun hesitated. He didn't know whether or not to put a pillow between them again. It only ended up taking up more space last time, and felt uncomfortable. But the thought of not having the pillow between them made Renjun even more uncomfortable. At least he will be able to put up a wall this way. _Even though he knew it would be no use in the end._

"Does Chenle go to our school?" Jaemin asked, his voice gentle and quiet. 

It was past three AM, and Renjun found it difficult to sleep now, and Jaemin was never a good sleeper. So they laid in bed, facing each other, Renjun desperate to keep his eyes shut. (That too, was no use.)

"No," Renjun replied. He stared back at Jaemin, his stomach in knots. "He does online schooling. His parents and mine both agreed that he should do a year of online schooling before he goes to public school. They want him to better his Korean first." Renjun found himself revealing much more that he needed to, but it was okay, because he was telling it to Jaemin. And he knew he could talk to Jaemin about things. Anything, really.

"Oh," Jaemin nodded against his pillow. "Does he like it?"

"No." Renjun knew for a fact. Chenle was born to be social, to make tons of friends and be a class clown. Of course he hated it. "But it's only for the rest of this year. Next year, Chenle will be going to our school. I know he'll be much happier then."

There was an unasked question lingering in the air. Jaemin didn't want to ask. He felt it was too intrusive. But Renjun answered anyway. "His parents are very busy people. They thought it would be better to send Chenle to live with me. But, everyone knows it's because they don't want him." Renjun had to take in a deep breath. He couldn't let his voice break. "It's crazy to think about, because honestly, who wouldn't want Chenle? He's only a kid. His parents don't deserve him." 

Jaemin took it in. He watched as Renjun let one tear fall. And then he leaned in - pillow squished between them - and kissed it away.

"It works out, though," Renjun continued. "Now I'm not so lonely, and neither is he."

Jaemin smiled, faint, sad, and he knew he was fucked.

"I'm screwed."

Renjun looked at the younger, his eyebrows furrowing together in confusion. "Why?"

Jaemin's hand instinctively brushed a hair that had fallen into Renjun's eye, playing with his hair softly. "Because I love you. And it's really fucking with me."

Renjun's gaze faltered. He felt guilty again. "It's not that I don't like you, Jaemin. I do like you," He admitted nervously. "But, I guess I'm just scared of being in a... relationship, I guess. I've never been in one, so I don't really know why I'm so scared. But I am."

"Are you scared to be with me?" Jaemin asked. He was afraid of the answer.

"No," Renjun defended all to quickly. "I'm just scared of relationships, in general. I don't want to get hurt, that's all."

Jaemin didn't have to think. 

He leaned in closer. Renjun's heart was beating like a hammer, but he felt safe. He felt safe with Jaemin.

"I will never hurt you," Renjun believed him. "I could never hurt you." Renjun believed it.

Renjun smiled. "What if we start dating and you realize how big of a loser I am?"

Jaemin shook his head. "Well, then I guess I'm in love with a loser."

Renjun laughed. "I promise you that I want to be with you, too." It was four AM. Or maybe five. Renjun didn't know exactly. "Please just give me time." Maybe it was the lack of sleep (at least, Renjun blamed it on that,) but he felt it was okay to ask this. "Please, just wait for me, okay?"

Jaemin leaned in even closer. The pillow had somehow ended up on the floor. "I always will, Jun." 

Renjun felt happy. 

The rest of the night (read: morning,) they spent talking. 

They simply talked about their lives, school, grades, movies, shows... the list could go on and on. 

And then they got up and went to school like any other day. 

Jaemin did end up getting detention for not wearing his uniform, but that was okay, because it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a soft chapter bc I've been really busy lately and I've had this chapter planned out since the beginning lol. and I've had the whole 'fate/coincidence' line towards the beginning planned since forever and my writing didn't really do what I had in mind justice but I hope it's okay. 
> 
> but honestly I've based a lot of Renjun's fears about reationships off of my personal experience lol so I hope it's not weird that he's just not ready to be with someone yet.
> 
>  
> 
> so mentions of Renjun's parents in the beginning...
> 
> also roughly edited bc it's 4am and I'm tired. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this little chapter:)


	14. Straws.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well, if you're always here to take care of me, then it is my pleasure to get injured."
> 
> "Don't joke like that." Renjun said sternly. Jaemin grinned. The older boy sighed. "You know, you can always come to me when you're in pain. And you don't have to smile like that just to make me feel better. If anything, it makes me even more worried."

you whisper

_i love you_

what you mean is

 _i don't want you to leave_  

(rupi kaur)

-

Donghyuck and Renjun had decided to eat lunch outside today. Something they never do.

But Donghyuck insisted.

The sun was shining bright, and hot. Sitting in the shade under a tree made it bearable though.

"So are you guys boyfriends now?" Renjun asked, taking a sip of his coke through a straw. He wasn't looking at particularly anything.

"I wouldn't say that. For right now, we are more like friends with benefits." Donghyuck answered.

"Gross."

"Not like that, Jun!" The younger quickly defended. "Like, we aren't dating yet, but we like, go on dates, and kiss and stuff."

 _How cute._ Donghyuck was blushing.

Renjun had never seen his best friend get this way. Not in all his years of knowing him. Not even with Jisoo.

Maybe because it was Mark they were talking about. And Mark always made Donghyuck feel new things (though most of the time they were bad things. Like how Donghyuck once realized that he wanted to push Mark off the Jungle Jim, but that's another story.)

It was cute yet strange. 

Renjun let his eyes rest on the scene in front of them. 

Yards away from them sat Jeno and Mina. 

They sat on a bench. Jeno was in his soccer uniform, sweaty. Renjun supposed that his coach made the soccer team practice even during their lunch period.

Renjun really disliked their coach.

How Jeno managed to escape from his coach was a mystery to Renjun.

Mina was making weird gestures, and Renjun thought that he should've stopped staring at this point, but he didn't.

Jeno shook his head. 

_Since when did I become so nosy?_

Mina pleaded.

_What are they talking about?_

Jeno reached over, taking Mina's hand. He shook his head again.

Renjun sighed, and then he looked away. It wasn't that he cared. Because he didn't care all that much. But he knew Jeno had (read: has,) a crush on Mina, and Mina has a crush on Jaemin, whom Renjun likes.

So, yeah. He was intrigued.

*

Jeno looked at his test grade.

He froze.

And then class was dismissed, and Renjun stood up, looking at him in confusion.

"Jeno, are you okay?" He asked, shaking Jeno gently on the shoulder. "What's wrong?"

Renjun peered over Jeno's shoulder, glancing at the test that was handed back moments ago. 

"It's a C." Jeno said with disbelief. He looked at Renjun. The older boy smiled down at him.

"Good job!" In all honesty, it wasn't that good, but for Jeno, a C in math was practically a miracle. And not to mention, a C was what he needed to get an average grade in math and continue playing soccer.

Jeno sat motionless.

"Jeno, this is really ama-"

Jeno's chair screeched, and before Renjun could even register what was happening, he was enveloped in a hug.

"Thank you, Jun." Jeno's breath tickled Renjun's neck. His arms were wrapped around Renjun's waist. Their bodies were pressed up against one another.

Renjun panicked.

Jeno's hugs were tight, and warm. "U-um-"

Jeno smelled like vanilla.

Rejun hesitantly hugged the younger back, his arms loosely wrapping around Jeno's neck.

"You're welcome." He whispered nervously, patting Jeno's back gently.

Renjun was thankful that the hug ended quickly after.

"Um," Jeno smiled again, looking down at his paper and then back at Renjun. "Thank you, again. I know it must be hard tutoring me when I don't understand shit, but thanks." Jeno finished off the sentence awkwardly, biting his lip.

"You're welcome," Renjun softly replied.

Jeno didn't move for a moment. Renjun didn't understand what Jeno was expecting.

But the older boy didn't have much time to process anything, because as swift as Jeno had hugged him, Jeno planted a kiss on his cheek, thanking Renjun once again and then taking his supplies and leaving.

Renjun stood stunned. His face surely red.

_Friends don't do that, right? Friends don't just give each other a kiss on the cheeks like that, right?_

Renjun shook his head. It was stupid to question it.

Jeno probably was just being nice.

Jeno probably didn't think twice about it. 

So Renjun tried not to either.

*

"Hey, Jun." Jaemin ran over to the older boy, taking a seat next to him on the bleachers. 

"Good morning, Jaemin." Renjun greeted back, smiling. He played nervously with the strings of his backpack.

"What are you doing here on a Saturday?" Jaemin asked, unconsciously scoring closer to Renjun.

Renjun noticed.

"I was passing by." Renjun lied. He felt too embarrassed to say that he deliberately came just to see Jaemin. "How's practice going?"

The team was in the middle of a break, which explained why Renjun had to wait on the bleachers for 20 minutes before Jaemin could come meet him.

"Tiring," the younger answered.

Renjun timidly opened his backpack. "Here," He grabbed a couple of bandaids, placing them on Jaemin's lap. Then, Renjun pulled out a bottle of water, and some ointment that Jaemin assumed was for the bruise on his stomach.

"For someone who was just passing by, you sure do carry a lot of non-related school items in your school bag." Jaemin laughed, making Renjun blush.

"Nothing wrong with being prepared," Renjun played along, but he knew there was no use in lying anymore. Who would believe him anyways? "I was worried about you," Renjun admitted, "Mark told Hyuck, who told me, what happened to you yesterday at practice and... well... yeah."

Renjun was worried. That's all Jaemin heard. And it made him happy.

"Yeah. Seungmin is a little bitch," Jaemin joked, trying to lighten the mood, because even though he loved Renjun worrying about _him_ , he hated when Renjun was stressed. "But it was an accident. These things happen all the time."

"That doesn't make me feel better."

"Well, if you're always here to take care of me, then it is my pleasure to get injured."

"Don't joke like that." Renjun said sternly. Jaemin grinned. The older boy sighed. "You know, you can always come to me when you're in pain. And you don't have to smile like that just to make me feel better. If anything, it makes me even more worried."

"I love you, you know that."

Renjun looked at Jaemin in suprise, definetly not expecting Jaemin to say that so suddenly... and so lightly.

"Yeah," Renjun whispered, like it was a secret, "You've told me."

"Just reminding you."

_How could I ever forget?_

The whistle blowed, and time had seemed to go by so quickly. 

Jaemin stood up, medicine and water now in hand.

"I'm not good at applying this stuff." Jaemin said. 

"If you want, y-you can come to my house after practice and I can help you." Renjun stuttered. Weird, because Renjun hadn't stuttered in front of Jaemin for a while now.

"Sounds like a plan." The younger boy grinned. "Practice ends in an hour, so I'll meet you at your house?"

"You know the way." The statement itself made Renjun's heart pace pick up from the simple thought that Jaemin has already been to Renjun's house enough that he knows the way.

"See ya," Jaemin paused, and it was almost like he was going to do something more. But he stopped himself, because Jaemin knew that one day he would be able to kiss Renjun before leaving, but today wasn't the day.

It was okay, though. Jaemin promised to wait, and as long as Renjun was happy, he didn't mind.

Jaemin ran down the bleachers, disappearing for a split moment and then returning onto the soccer field empty-handed.

Renjun's eyes trailed Jaemin as the younger boy adjusted his shoelaces. 

And then his eyes trailed to Jeno. And-

_How long had Jeno been staring at him?_

Renjun's eyes widened, looking at his palms in panic, and then back at Jeno.

Jeno looked... well, it was hard to describe from such a far away distance, but Renjun's heart pumped weirdly in his chest.

Renjun threw his backpack on himself, deciding to give Jeno a small wave (because they are friends, after all,) and got up to leave.

Jeno simply gave Renjun a small nod of acknowledgement, kicking the ball as hard as he could when the coach signaled to begin once again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik this is a short chapter and i haven't updated in a while and this chapter is really choppy and i'm sorry lol :( 
> 
> I've been busy a lot recently. I'm working a lot more bc in a little more than a month senior year begins and there is a lot I need to save for. and I've been learning to drive which is going awful but I'm trying :))
> 
> i started this chapter a while ago and i just ended it a couple days ago and i just now proof read it over so sorry if it's bad :)
> 
> Thank u for reading and I'm going to try real hard to update more frequently lol <3 i made a promise to myself that I was going to finish this story bc i never finish anything I write but renmin is so adorable and i promise I will not give up in this story :)
> 
> (ps: watching the World Cup has really been taking up a lot of my time and i'm somewhat depressed about the final teams but that's cuz im biased and a sore loser :p)


	15. Jeno.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you fucking like Renjun is what I'm trying to ask!" Jeno spilled. He spilled too much, and he didn't have enough to clean up the mess he just made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> roughly edited lol

the thing 

worth holding on to 

would not have let go

(rupi kaur)

-

It was hard to explain the feeling in his chest when Renjun opened the door and saw Jaemin standing on the other side of it.

Of course, Renjun had invited Jaemin over, and he had been expecting it, but seeing Jaemin here and now right outside of his house made it a whole new experience.

It was even harder to explain the disdain Renjun felt when he saw the gash on Jaemin's stomach. 

Red, blue, black, and purple colored the younger's torso.

"Oh my gosh, Jaemin," Renjun scolded. They were in the bathroom, the tub filled slightly with warm water and rags. Jaemin was sitting on the rim, and Renjun sat next to him. "You know, you can get infected if you don't treat your wounds, right?"

"I know, I know," Jaemin's reply was carefree, "But it never really mattered much. At the end of the day all my cuts heal just the same."

"That's just cause you're lucky."

"Sometimes."

Renjun shook his head, tending to the nasty wound.

"Damn, that looks really bad!" Chenle, _of course_ , gasped. He had been passing by, and because Renjun didn't shut the bathroom door, Chenle gave himself permission to enter.

"Lele, get out," Renjun mumbled, not bothering to look back. 

Jaemin gave the youngest a small smirk.

"Does that not hurt?" Chenle said, ignoring his cousin's orders.

Jaemin shrugged. "A little, but not so much anymore. Only when I move my arms... or legs, really."

"But, you move your arms and legs everyday..." 

Renjun sighed. "He's being sarcastic, Le." Renjun explained in their native tongue. Chenle nodded.

"Oh~."

"Now, leave, Le. You're distracting me." Renjun continued on.

Chenle raised his hands mockingly. "Okay, if you want to be alone with your boyfriend so much you could just say so." 

Renjun blushed bright red.

He was going to kill Chenle.

Jaemin smiled, liking how flustered Renjun had gotten.

"See you, hyung." Chenle waved bye to Jaemin, closing the door as he made his exit.

And Renjun settled on the decision that he was actually going to disown Chenle as his cousin.

There had been a reason Renjun left the door open, and it was to avoid a situation like the one he was currently in.

Because alone and so close to Jaemin made it hard for Renjun to focus on anything else.

And right now, he was trying his best to focus on treating Jaemin's wound, not the fact that if he wanted to, he could kiss Jaemin right now and Jaemin would most likely kiss him back.

"I like your cousin," Jaemin broke the uncomfortable silence.

Renjun blinked.

"Well, that makes one of us."

Jaemin laughed, and Renjun realized that he never truly heard Jaemin laugh like that. And his laugh only made Renjun's hands shakier.

"Why are you so nervous?"

"I'm not nervous."

"Your hands are shaking."

Jaemin had a point. Renjun simply sighed, because he was fighting a losing battle anyways. 

"That doesn't matter. We're done here. You're all bandaged up, and in a couple of days you'll be as good as new."

Renjun put some distance between them two.

"Just, take it easy, okay?"

"Yes, mom," Jaemin mocked the older boy.

"Jaemin..."

"Don't worry, Jun. I promise you I'll start being more careful."

Renjun didn't know whether to believe Jaemin or not, but the younger had never given him any reason to doubt him yet.

"Are you not going to invite me to spend the night?" Jaemin asked, standing up. He winced, the bandage around his stomach adjusting to his move.

Renjun chewed on his lip, thinking of a comeback. But, all that came out of his mouth was, "Would you like to spend the night, Jaemin?"

And seeing the younger boy smile like that suddenly made it worth it.

"I would love to."

*

That day had passed by just lounging around the house, but together.

They cooked (ramen in the microwave,) and the studied (the soccer game on tv,) and they spent time with Chenle (who was extremely happy to be spending time with someone other than Donghyuck.)

When night rolled around, the two boys got ready for bed. 

Jaemin used his finger as a tooth brush, and for a split moment, Renjun thought that it might be a good idea to buy another toothbrush just for Jaemin to use when he spent the night at his house. But then Renjun thought that that was a ridiculous thought, because it wasn't like Jaemin sleeping over was going to become a regular occurrence.

"If you keep staying over this often, we're going to need to buy you a bed here." Renjun joked as the two laid in Renjun's bed. The moon was full, and they had a perfect view of it from Renjun's window.

Jaemin shook his head. "No, that would make it seem like we're brothers." He scrunched his nose in disgust. "And I don't want to be your brother."

Renjun gasped dramatically, holding back a laugh. "Oh, no. That hurt my feelings"

Jaemin rolled his eyes, scooting closer. The pillow method Renjun had placed the first times Jaemin slept over proved useless, so the pillow method was long forgotten by now.

"Do you not like it when I stay over?" Jaemin suddenly asked. The mood changed. 

"What?" Was the first thing Renjun could vocalize, because the question in itself was just so ridiculous to Renjun. "Of course I like having you over. That's why I invited you, dummy."

Jaemin let out a sigh of relief he hadn't realized he had been holding. "It's just sometimes, I feel like I'm bothering you. But I like spending time with you so much that I just... I don't know."

"Hey," Renjun inched closer, making the younger boy look at him. _Since when did Renjun get this confidence?_ "I-I like spending time with you," _And then he lost it._

Jaemin didn't say anything, and his eyes trailed down to the older's lips. 

Renjun shut his eyes tight.

After a couple of uncertain seconds, Jaemin asked, "What are you doing?" 

Renjun's eyes snapped open wide, blinking rapidly.

"Um..." Renjun blushed, his heart pounding in his chest.

Jaemin laughed gently. "Was that your way of telling me to kiss you?"

_Kiss._

Renjun laid motionless. "Um," Yes. Yes. _Yes_. "I got to go to the bathroom."

Renjun wanted to scream, but he waited until he ran to the bathroom to let his frustration out in the form of pacing. 

"Gosh, Renjun." He muttered to himself quietly. "Why are you so stupid?"

*

When Jaemin left early the next morning with a hesitant and somewhat awkward 'goodbye,' and Monday rolled around the day after that, Renjun ranted to Donghyuck all about what happened Saturday.

Donghyuck was unhelpful about the whole situation, just as Renjun expected, because now, his best friend was blinded by love.

"Jun, you make things so much more complicated than they need to be," Donghyuck said through a mouthful of rice.

"Wow, being in love with Mark-hyung for a week has really changed you." Renjun joked.

"Shut up!"

"Hey, don't talk with your mouth full!"

 

*

"So, you came to watch practice Saturday." Jeno stated. He stated because he knew.

Renjun nodded nervously.

"Yes, Jeno, because that totally is related to what I was just explaining to you." Renjun tried to divert the topic, because their had been some unspoken tension between the two since the tutoring session started, and Renjun would rather keep it unspoken. "Did you even listen at all to what I was saying?"

"No." Jeno replied, leaning back. "Are you and Jaemin like... friends now?"

Renjun chewed on his lip. It was somewhat becoming a habit now. "Uh," Renjun didn't know exactly how to explain it, because the question has never really come up. And they are not exactly friends. More like, _'friends who like each other but one of said friend is a coward when it comes to relationships and makes things way more complicated than they need to be.'_

But Renjun couldn't exactly say that without getting asked even more questions, so he just nodded.

"Since when?"

"Jeno, I'm here to tutor you. You're here to learn. Not much of that has been going on today, don't you think?"

"My brain is tired." Jeno retorted. "And I have practice today, so I got to save up my energy for later."

 _Right_. Now Jeno could use that excuse because the soccer coach was making the boys practice every day of the week now before the final game.

"Jeno, why are you acting like this?" Renjun asked softly. 

Jeno shrugged. "Acting like what?"

Renjun couldn't put his finger on it. "Nevermind. Maybe we should just finish up early today. I don't want you to be too exhausted for practice."

Jeno stared at Renjun in silence. Renjun simply waited for the other boy to say something.

"Fine." Jeno finally said. "If that's what you want to do." He grabbed his bag and math book, leaving without another word.

"And Hyuck says I'm the complicated one." Renjun mumbled angrily to himself. 

*

The locker room was, as Seungmin liked to describe, a room with half naked and sweaty boys who can truly be themselves.

Jeno always laughed at that, because in a weirdly worded way, it was kind of true.

Especially in moments like these, after practice when everyone is in the locker room, washing up, and washing down the sweat.

And even more so in the moments where every one has left, and the last ones in the locker room are Jaemin and Jeno.

"You struggling?" Jeno laughed, watching as Jaemin struggled to wrap a new bandage around his torso where his cut was.

"No," Jaemin, who was clearly struggling because the bandage keep seeming to get tangled, denied Jeno's indirect offer to help him.

"You look fucking ridiculous like that." Jeno laughed. Jaemin finally settled on just letting the bandage wrap clump together underneath his shirt.

"I swear I'm going to punch you."

Jeno's laughter died down, and Jaemin continued drying his wet hair with a towel. 

"You know, Mina was asking me about you today." Jeno never liked talking about Mina to Jaemin, even though Jaemin and him are friends. In all honesty, who likes talking about their crush with their crush?

"That's nice."

"She's sad that you've been ignoring her."

"I haven't been ignoring her." Jaemin defended. "I just don't talk to her that much."

"Anyways, she's been sad because of it."

Jaemin let out a heavy breath, running a hand through his hair. "Jeno, you do get that I don't want to make her sad, right? I'm not doing this on purpose. She knows how I feel about her, I make it pretty fucking obvious, and if she still gets sad about it, then that's on her."

Jeno rolled his eyes. "Does this have anything to do with Renjun?" 

Jaemin turned to face Jeno, his eyes full of confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"You guys have been hanging out a lot lately. Mina, she sees you guys together all the time."

Jaemin pressed his lips together. "Not that it's any of her fucking business, but no. Even if Renjun wasn't involved, I still wouldn't treat her any differently."

"So it does have something to do with Renjun?" Jeno asked. He was being obvious now, not caring if his questions were too revealing. He wanted an answer to the question he was afraid to ask.

"Did you not hear all of what I just fucking said?" Jaemin shook his head. "Why do you care?"

"Because."

"Because?"

"Are you gay, Jaemin?"

"What the actual fuck." Jaemin wasn't mad, he really wasn't. He was just profoundly confused, and he didn't understand why Jeno was interrogating him.

"Do you fucking like Renjun is what I'm trying to ask!" Jeno spilled. He spilled too much, and he didn't have enough to clean up the mess he just made.

"Yeah, I do." 

Jeno gaped in shock, mostly because he didn't believe Jaemin would actually admit it, and because a small part of him was hoping it wasn't true.

He was foolish to think otherwise though, because Jeno had seen the way Jaemin acted with Renjun with his own two eyes. And he knew Jaemin long enough to understand him.

"Listen, I know you like Mina,"

"How did-"

"I've known since the eighth grade spring fling when you got all sweaty trying to ask her to dance."

Jeno blinked in suprise, because up until now, he believed he was doing a great job on keeping his crush a secret.

"Anyways, if that's what this is all about, then I'm sorry, but I'm not going to apologize to her for what I feel. But, hey, maybe this is your chance, Jeno." Jaemin playfully punched his friend in the shoulder.

"Mina wasn't what this was all about." Jeno didn't laugh. He was serious. And soon, Jaemin was too.

"Then... what was this about?" 

Jeno contemplated. He knew it would be a bad idea, because Jaemin is his friend, and it wasn't like Jeno was completely sure of his feelings anyways.

But then he thought about Renjun, and suddenly the older boy was all Jeno's thoughts were filled with.

Jeno valued Jaemin's friendship, despite the hardships they had faced in the past. And that's why Jeno decided to tell Jaemin, because Jeno didn't want to keep secrets from his friend that could potentially hurt him.

"It's about Renjun." Jeno was looking everywhere and anywhere. 

"What are you saying?" 

Jeno let his eyes rest on Jaemin.

"I think I might like him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It 5 am and I don't know why I'm still awake but I decided to actually do something with my free time and I'm posting this now lol. Hope you guys liked the chapter :))


	16. Loneliness.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And if that never happens, and he does end up with someone else, it'll fucking kill me, but it'll be okay. I'll survive." Jaemin took a deep breath, because even talking about that possibility made him go crazy. "But if he ends up with you, with my friend, I don't know how I'll survive that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously: 
> 
> "It's about Renjun." Jeno was looking everywhere and anywhere. 
> 
> "What are you saying?" 
> 
> Jeno let his eyes rest on Jaemin.
> 
> "I think I might like him."

love made the danger 

in you look like safety

(rupi kaur)

-

"What are you talking about?"

Jeno hesitated. He regretted saying it the moment he said it. But there was no time for regret now, because Jaemin was seething with anger.

"Jeno, what are you talking about?" Jaemin's words came out long and low, too dangerous.

"I-" Jeno didn't know what to say. If he continued taking, he might get beat up. If he didn't talk, he might get beat up.

So, facing reality and the odds of the situation, he decided to keep talking.

"I like Renjun."

Jeno felt his ears ring. Two seconds later, he realized Jaemin had shoved him against the lockers. And it hurt.

"What the fuck are you saying?" Jaemin had his forearm pressing up against Jeno's chest, and he was slowly cutting off blood circulation. 

Jeno should've stopped talking now. But he didn't. "I don't know how it happened, but I like him, Jaemin. And- I-I want to be with him..."

Jeno spoke gently, but it didn't matter. Jaemin wouldn't have noticed either way.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jaemin was pressing his arm in tighter. "You don't like him. _You don't_. You like Mina." He repeated it, like saying those phrases enough would change Jeno's mind.

"Let me explain," Jeno coughed out.

"Explain what?! Are you jealous of me? Is that it?!"

"What? No-"

"You've liked Mina for years now. She's always been the one for you and now? You suddenly like Renjun? What kind of bullshit is that!?"

"Jaemin, I don't know how it happened. But he's Renjun, and- I like him. And I'm not just saying this because I'm jealous of you. I wouldn't do that."

Jaemin's eyes watered, but more from anger. And betrayal.

"Out of the billions of people in the whole entire fucking world, why did it have to be him?" Jaemin slowly leaned back, the weight of his arm loosening up on Jeno's chest.

Jeno didn't know the answer to that. "He's Renjun. How can you not love him?"

It was a rhetorical question. But it didn't make Jaemin feel any better.

"I love him." Jeno felt like he had been crushed by a boulder.

He knew Jaemin liked Renjun, that was obvious. But _love_? That's a different story.

"You're my friend, Jeno." Jaemin took three steps back. He couldn't think. "How could you do this to me?"

"I didn't know you loved him," Jeno quickly defended. "But if I could control _this_ \- if I could control what I feel- then I wouldn't feel this. But I can't choose what I feel. It's just... I don't know. Everything is just complicated."

"Do you want to be captain next year? Is that what this is about?" Jaemin suddenly asked, bouncing off his feet nervously. "Because if that's it, you can have the spot. I don't care. Just stay away from him. _Please_."

Jeno shook his head. "It's not about the spot. It's not." Jeno silently cursed the world and whatever else for causing Jaemin pain. But that's all Jeno seems to know how to do. "And I can't stay away from him, Nana."

Jaemin nodded his head, taking more steps back. "Fuck you, Jeno." Jaemin bit his tongue. And just as he was about to turn and leave, Jaemin felt anger bubble up inside him again. "And if you ever go near Renjun again, you're dead."

"He's my tutor."

"Get a new fucking tutor."

"You don't think Renjun will be hurt? Seriously, Jaemin, just think for a moment. Renjun is not yours. And as much as it might hurt you to admit, he's my friend."

Jaemin knew. He knew Renjun wasn't his. And Jaemin wasn't the type of person to make threats like that. But he was just so angry, that his friend, one of the people he trusted most in the world, could hurt him like Jeno just did. 

"Please. _Please_ , stay away from him." Jaemin begged. _He begged_. "I know he isn't mine. And you know, I've thought about the chances that he might end up with someone else. And it fucking hurts to think about, but I know it's a possibility. And I know that it would be okay if he loved someone else, as long as he's happy and safe. That's all I care about. I just think, how lucky would I be if he choose me. If he loved me back."

"And if that never happens, and he does end up with someone else, it'll fucking kill me, but it'll be okay. I'll survive." Jaemin took a deep breath, because even talking about that possibility made him go crazy. "But if he ends up with you, with my friend, I don't know how I'll survive that."

Jeno felt like his whole world, everything he had just fought for, came crumbling down.

Jaemin looked around, not bothering to say goodbye as he left the locker room.

*

"Hey."

"Hi."

Renjun smiled into the phone. "Why'd you call so late?"

"Well, I just finished practice." Jaemin explained. He sounded out of breath.

Renjun frowned at that. "But it's really late. Does your coach have no consideration for the amount of sleep healthy teenagers are suppose to be getting every night?"

Jaemin laughed. He loved when Renjun showed affection in the most subtle ways. Jaemin always noticed.

"I stayed a little later talking with a couple of friends." 

Renjun nodded, despite the fact that Jaemin couldn't see him. "Are you okay, Jaemin?"

Jaemin never understood how Renjun always knew. It just made him fall more and more in love, if that was humanly possible.

"Yeah, it was just a rough day."

"Want to talk about it?"

Jaemin felt his heart flutter. "Nah, it's cool, we have school tomorrow, and I don't want to keep you from being a healthy teenager." The younger boy mocked light-hearteningly.

"You already woke me up. And how do you expect me to sleep when I'm worrying about you?"

Jaemin stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "I love you." Jaemin blurted out. 

He shouldn't have said it, because he knew it made Renjun uncomfortable. But he just couldn't help himself.

Renjun blushed. "I know." He muttered softly, ashamed that he wasn't able to say it back. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"Wow," Renjun said sarcastically. "I almost believed you."

Jaemin had reached his home.

He went in, locked the door, put his soccer bag down on the couch, went to his room and laid down on his bed in the pitch black.

It felt lonely now, even though Renjun was still on the line. 

"Jaemin?" Renjun asked.

"Yeah," Jaemin responded, confirming that he was still on the phone.

"You're home now?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me what happened."

Jaemin let himself cry. 

Jaemin never picked himself off to be a good person who deserves the absolute best in life, but he never understood what he had ever done so wrong that life just hated him.

"Things are just a little difficult right now, and I don't know how to deal with it. And I can't tell you because I..." _Because it's about you and I'm scared you might feel the same way for Jeno as he does for you,_ "Because I just can't."

"Okay, then don't tell me." Renjun settled. Renjun always knew Jaemin to be a strong person, but it hurt how at this moment, the only comfort he could give the younger boy is through a cell phone. "But know I'm here to talk about it whenever you're ready. It could be 3am on a school night, but if that's when you're ready, then call me, okay?"

Jaemin smiled. His tears still fell. "Okay."

 

"You know, Chenle really likes you." Renjun said, switching subjects.

"I'm honored. He's a great kid."

"Yeah... you'll change you mind once you spend like... one more hour with him." Renjun joked.

They spent the rest of the night talking in messy conversations about stuff that had no importance, and slowly, their talks turned into whispers until both of them fell asleep.

Renjun didn't remember who fell asleep first, but he did know that his phone was dead when he woke up that morning for school, and that his eyes would hardly open.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow okay so I really hate how this chapter turned out but I'm kinda going through a weird type of writers block and I've been revising this chapter all week but here we are. 
> 
> sorry for the underwhelming chapter lol
> 
> and ps I loved reading the comments on my last chapter and i would of responded but I didn't want to give anything away:)


	17. Study.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno shrugged, realizing that he already screwed up anyways. "We can go to my house... or yours?"

"Looks like you and Mark-hyung are getting along well," Renjun teased, his right eyebrow raising.

"Shut up," Donghyuck whines, his eyes trailing his boyfriend as he ran to the soccer field. "Don't be jealous."

"I'm not jealous."

"Sure, Jan."

Renjun laughed. They were walking home from school.

"So, any more Jaemin-news I need to be updated on?" Donghyuck asked. He always asked, not particularly because he was interested in Jaemin, but because Renjun loved talking about him, and that was interesting enough for Hyuck.

"Do you think we could ever be a couple?" Renjun questioned. It was spontaneous and changed the mood, but it was a question that had been on his mind a lot recently. "Like, a good couple?"

"Well, I don't really know what you would define as a 'good couple,' but I do know that that boy is crazy about you, and I think that counts for a lot." Donghyuck tugged on his backpack strings. "Why? Do you think you guys would make a good couple?"

Renjun thought about it. He thought about that question so much, yet he never had a good answer. He felt what he felt, but he always thought that there needed to be more. Like he needed a reason to his feelings.

"We're just really different." 

Donghyuck scoffed. "That dosen't matter, Jun. Take me and Mark for example. We are two completely different people, but I still have managed to seduce him with my charms."

Renjun rolled his eyes. "Yeah, nobody can resist your sexiness, Hyuck." He mocked.

"I know! Maybe that's why Mark gets so jealous all the time."

Renjun loved his best friend. Donghyuck always made talking about things so easy, and Renjun needed easy in his life right now.

Chenle was there to greet the two boys when they arrived at Renjun's home, and three bowls of ramen later, the trio were slouched on the couch watching re-runs of whatever show seemed intriguing to them as they channel surfed.

*

"Is there something wrong, Jeno? You seem a bit... quiet today." Renjun noted, looking up from his textbook in concern. 

Jeno nodded, tapping his pen on his paper. "Yeah, I've just had a tough week, that's all."

"Your coach?" Renjun had come to the pretense that whenever something was wrong with Jeno, it usually had to do with soccer. 

"Not this time."

"Oh." _Oh_. Now Renjun was at a complete loss on what he should say next. 

Unlike with Hyuck, where the conversation was easy and just... flowed together perfectly, Renjun felt a little more cautious on what he should say around Jeno.

"Don't you ever get bored of just doing math all the time?" Jeno said, biting his lip. His cheeks were red, which was a strange sight to see. 

"I don't do Math all the time, Jeno. I might be a nerd, but even nerds have a life."

Jeno shook his head, smiling. "That's not what I meant. I meant, don't you ever get bored just teaching me Math?"

Renjun blinked. "Would you like to learn something else? I got English, History, Pop Culture-"

"No," Jeno cut the older off. "That's not what I meant either."

"What did you mean, then?" Renjun was confused, but he did his best to hide it with a smile.

"I mean... do you want to- like- well do you want to ever- maybe, possibly- go somewhere else together?"

Jeno convinced himself that he was going insane. Since when did he stutter so much? And why was he sweating? It was freezing in the library.

"Go where?" Renjun still didn't understand what Jeno was hinting to, and he never would unless Jeno said it loud and clear, because Renjun, not in a million of years, could imagine that Jeno liked him. It simply wasn't a possibility in Renjun's world.

"Like-" Jeno hated the nervous mess he was being. It just wasn't him. "Like maybe... study somewhere else, besides the library." It was word vomit. Jeno hadn't meant for the word 'study' to pop up anywhere in his sentence, but he got so nervous that that was the only word his brain supplied.

"Uh, sure, we can if you want." Renjun shifted in his seat. "Where do you want to study?"

Jeno shrugged, realizing that he already screwed up anyways. "We can go to my house... or yours?"

Renjun contemplated the choices. "How about my house?" Renjun didn't like the idea of going over to Jeno's house. It had nothing to do with Jeno, but more so the fact that he was awkward meeting other people's parents. 

Donghyuck's parents remember him as the grass-kid, and that's too embarrassing of a story to talk about.

"Y-yeah!" The librarian sent a glare Jeno's way as she just conveniently had been passing. "That sounds great." Jeno continued, this time in a softer voice.

"Great. Next time we can meet after school and walk to my house. Sound good?"

”Sounds perfect.”

*

Jeno fidgeted in his seat. He wasn’t paying attention to the math sheet Renjun had laid in front of him for him to finish.

No. Jeno was too busy focusing on the fact that he was in Renjun’s home.

Renjun’s house was oddly comforting to Jeno. 

“Jeno, you haven’t done one question since I left.” Renjun laughed, entering the kitchen and sitting across from Jeno.

”Oh. Yeah, I guess I haven’t.” Jeno mumbled in reply. 

Jeno heard the tv all the way from the kitchen, and next thing he knew, the boy sitting across from him was yelling.

”Chenle! Turn the tv down!” Renjun yelled. It took a few seconds, but then Jeno couldn’t hear anything anymore. “Sorry about my cousin. He can be a little bit of a brat sometimes.” 

“Don’t worry about it.”

”Do you need help on any of the problems?” Renjun leaned over the table to look at Jeno’s blank sheet.

”Uh... not rea-“

The phone rang. Renjun sighed.

”What’s with all these interruptions today? I’ll be right back, Jeno.” The older boy got up, going to pick up his cell phone that he left on the couch.

“It’s Jaemin-hyung.” Chenle commented, not turning away from the screen. 

“Your really nosy, you know that?”

Chenle smirked, shrugging.

”Hello?” Renjun answered the phone.

”Hey.” Jaemin greeted.

”Hi, Jaemin. How are you?” 

“Good.”

Renjun waited for more.

”Are you busy right now?” He asked.

Renjun hummed. “Um, actually, I’m with Jeno right now.”

A pause over the phone. Renjun felt like something was wrong.

”Oh. What are you two up to?” Something in Jaemin’s voice had changed.

”We’re just studying. Jeno has a big math test tomorrow, and because of soccer practice taking up the full day, we could pretty much only study tonight.”

”Renjun, it’s two AM.” Jaemin noted.

”It’s also Friday night.” Renjun laughed. He didn’t understand the shift in Jaemin’s tone. “Do you want to come over? We just ordered pizza.”

He heard Jaemin shuffling over the phone. “Thank you, Jun, but I’m okay. It would be pretty hard for me to not to distract you if I were to go. I would just want you all to myself.”

Jaemin always had to say something flirty. But that was okay. Renjun enjoyed the little flips his stomach did.

”If you say so.” Renjun blushed. He blushed over Jaemin’s voice. Seriously. “But what did you call me for?”

”Wow.” Jaemin feigned hurt. “Can’t I just call you to talk to you?”

Renjun rolled his eyes. “Of course you can. I was just asking because you asked me if I was busy. That’s all.”

”It wasn’t a big deal. I was just bored. Now, I don’t want to keep you from studying, loser. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

Renjun smiled. “Okay. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Man, you’re whipped.” Chenle pipped in once Renjun hung up the phone.

”W-what?!” Renjun clutched his phone to his chest unconsciously. “What are you talking about?”

”Nothing.” Chenle laughed to himself, going back to slouching on the couch and watching Spongebob.

Renjun stuck his tongue out, turning on his heel and stomping back to the kitchen.

”Everything cool?” Jeno asked.

”Yeah, it was just Jaemin.” Renjun didn’t notice the way Jeno’s hand tightened around his pencil. “Anyways, hopefully now we can continue studying without any interu-“

The door knocked. Renjun scrunched his nose up in anger.

Chenle hopped up from the couch, racing to get the door. “It’s the pizza!”

*

Jaemin knew that the world loved playing games with his feelings. 

It was nothing new.

But nowadays it seemed to hurt a lot more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I would just like to apologize for taking so long to update. I’ve just been super busy with school starting the last couple of weeks and work and being a senior and joining a lot of activities and it’s just been crazy.
> 
> But thank you guys for continuously leaving wonderful comments that inspired me to update sooner than I thought I would <3 
> 
> And another thing. This chapter is probably one of the worsts I think i have written and I’m so sorry but I just have to get back into the routine and all that so I’m very sorry.
> 
> I promise to start updating regularly as soon as I can! Thank you for all the love and support!


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